The Diary and Journal of Angel Paris-Jordan

Showbiz - News - Jackson's doctor 'can't be arrested yet' - Digital Spy

2009-11-25T22:31:00.000Z

Jackson's doctor 'can't be arrested yet'
Latest rumour from the net

Michael self harmed during months upto death?

2009-08-20T06:05:00.003Z

Cigarettes: 3
Weight: 7st 8
Prescribed drugs administered: diazepam blah blah zopiclone oxazepama blah blah
Colour of the day: purple
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 10 still

It has came to the attention of the associated press that leaked info on the ongoing manslaughter investigation into the death of Michael Jackson reveals Michael Jackson was supposedly so desperate and unable to convince doctors he needed heavy duty heroin based drugs such as morphine and Demerol that he self harmed. I personally do not believe this.
He famously sabotaged a suite in the four seasons hotel in 1993, after initial child abuse allegations, apparently he wa in the suite with 6 younger friends all under age 15 - who after being asked to leave the hotel decided to trash it. The hotel manager and that bitch Diane Diamond (PS. how are your book sales doing? not even a top10... You could always write a book about yourself... actually don't bother) reported that there were feces covering the linen, walls, furniture and bathroom, blood or paint splattered on every surface and gibberish scribbled on the walls and the words 'your dog's a bitch' written on the bed. Apparently that was £1million dollars damage... I think so ........

The following report appears in today's news:

Police probing Michael Jackson's death believe that he may have self-harmed in the weeks before he passed away, it has been claimed.Members of the late singer's close circle have reportedly told investigators that he would hurt himself deliberately in order to secure a regular supply of medication.

A source told The Mirror: "LAPD detectives have interviewed some 30-35 witnesses so far, and it has come to light that Michael was prone to self-harming."He'd bang his head against the wall, hit his fists and arms against furniture, anything to cause a cut or bruise. He wanted to convince his doctors that he'd had an accident and was in a lot of pain - a legitimate reason to ask for painkillers.

"This came up as part of the investigation into Michael's drug-taking. So far there's no evidence to prove or disprove the claims."It is believed that some witnesses have alleged that Jackson's self-harming problem began 16 years ago when he first faced child abuse allegations.

The insider said: "Michael self-harmed mainly as an attention-seeking mechanism or to gain sympathy. He enjoyed being cared for. It was a huge cry for help." Jackson died in Los Angeles on June 25. He is expected to be buried on August 29, which would have been his 51st birthday.

Life goes on but not the same

2009-08-13T08:14:00.003Z

Weight: 8stone 4
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg Diazepam 20mg Seroxat
Colour of the day: yellow
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 6

Well time does heal, I can't believe it's over a month now, thanks everyone who's sent me e-mails of support. I know allot of us didn't think we'd get through this, but were still alive and life goes on.... We have suffered a huge loss, of a magnitude I cannot describe; the world won't know how bigger loss for the longest time. But trust me in the next century 'MICHAEL JACKSON' will be written in gold across the sky. We have to move one, but never forget and find out the truth.
"Lies Run Sprints The Truth Runs Marathons" - Michael J
I love you Michael, Angel x
I really think someone will go down for this, my faith in doctors is at an all time low; they killed our Michael.

Michael Jackson for Nobel Peace Prize

2009-08-12T13:15:00.002Z

Third Time Lucky?

Both Michael and Bill(above) have been nominated before...

Thousands of Michael Jackson fans have added their names to online petitions in an attempt to make Jackson the next recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Over 30,000 of the late singer's fans have signed various petitions across the net with Jackson's humanitarian and charity work, as well as his work promoting world peace, being sited as reason for him to be awarded the prize. The founder of one of the petitions has expressed the hope that she will attract over 100,000 signatures of support for the former pop icon.
Potential winners of the prize are nominated by a panel of individuals including former winners and professors, and Jackson's fans attempt to influence their thinking.
If Jackson was nominated it would be his third time after being nominated in 1993 and 1998.

Michael Jackson Autopsy results SEALED

2009-08-11T12:33:00.006Z

Post-mortem tests on Michael Jackson are finally complete but the results are being kept under wraps until a police probe into his death is finished.

Toxicology tests have now been concluded but Los Angeles coroner Ed Winter hasn't shed any light on when they will be released. They are however expected to show that Jackson was on at least a handful of heavy medications including opiates and sedatives when he died.

The police investigation so far has led to raids on the premises of the star's doctor, Conrad Murray and the bizarre use of anaesthetic DIPRIVAN. There is only one other case in the world of someone abusing/being addicted to the drug, a boy who hadn't slept in days apparently bought it on Ebay and died instantly.
Dr Murray has assisted officers in the searches last month, which resulted in the seizure of items including various medications and computer hard drives. The world will just have to Wait longer still to find out what killed Michael.

Rest In Peace - we won't stop til' we know the truth and bring those accountable to justice.

Film deal: "To Tell story of Jackson's Last Days including Rehearsal Footage"

Last days...

Rare picture taken by fan in scrum outside first rehearsal location.

A plan to release a film based on the singer's last rehearsals in Los Angeles for his series of concerts at the O2 arena in London has been approved by a Los Angeles judge.

The proposal had been the subject of numerous objections by Jackson's mother Katherine, including concerns that his three children would appear in the movie. But AEG Live has said they are not included in the footage.

The film is due to be released in October, with the singer's estate expected to receive about 90% of the proceeds. The release is expected to be shown in 3D and will also include interviews with Jackson's friends and collaborators.

Michael Lynton, head of Sony Pictures Entertainment, said:

"This historic recording of the last time he sang and danced on stage shows the legendary artist in an incredibly powerful way, with crystal clear images and sound."

Michael's BAD week on UK album chart BREAKS RECORD!

2009-08-10T10:23:00.006Z

posthumous congratulations;
"Michael may be more popular in death"
(Above: 50th anniversary of Bandstand, rare shot)

Michael is #1 for the sixth week in a row in the UK album chart
This is a personal record for him, both 'Bad'(1987) and 'Thriller'(1982) spent 5 consecutive weeks at number #1 in the eighties.His later albums, Dangerous, HIStory and Invincible spent one week each (although with huge first week sales) and Blood On The Dance Floor spent 2 in 1997.

Personal Record
'The Essential Michael Jackson' 2CD Greatest hits collection has been number #1 for 5 weeks in a row, it knocked of 'Number Ones' which shot to the top slot the week of Jackson's death; the number one hit collection was number one when it was initially released back in 2003, the week Michael was accused of child molestation.

He also has a 2 New re-entries on the chart!
The associated press report he has sold 15million physical album sales since his death (not inc. dowloads) in The USA and UK alone. International sales including downloads and singles could be as high as 50million.

#9. 'Bad' (NEW ENTRY Re-enters the chart at #9 thanks to new shipments in this week
#15. The Motown Years
#17. Thriller
#21. Off The Wall
#32. The Collection (Contains 5 solo albums)
#46. Dangerous (NEW ENTRY Thanks to new stock)
#47. King Of Pop (UK edition)
#53. The very best of J5
#62. Number Ones (Selling out in many shops since it went to number one after his death, Sony are preferring to plug The Essential as it is a double album with higher retail price)
#70. Thriller 25
#87. HIStory (Double album)

'Man In The Mirror' is his highest charting single at #33

Jermaine's version of 'Smile' will be available to download as a single and video single within a few weeks; Michael's version hit #74 on download and airplay alone and has since left the chart.

Top songs
'Earth Song' is the Michael Jackson single to spend the most weeks at #1 in the singles chart in 1995/6; it spent 6 weeks at the top slot.
'Black Or White' spent 7 weeks at #1 in the USA in 1991

Mark Lester Claims to be Dad To Paris Jackson!

2009-08-10T09:03:00.004Z

(Above: Exclusive pic I promised you all of Michael's last performance of Black Or White With Dave Navvaro)
Family and Friends of Michael: " OUR $HAME at CA$HING IN
ON YOUR DEATH"

I am starting to feel a little sick, a deep pain in my stomach which is slowly turning into a flurry of anger at Michael's supposed 'friends and family' who seem to be ever standing in a line to get paid by the very tabloids they often criticise, the same publications which played a hand in bringing Michael down. Paid to Lie, speculate and salivate over salacious details surrounding the death of Michael and the paternity of his children. I miss him dearly, I'm glad he is not here to see this.
There are so many people coming forward to get paid, The News Of The World have endless amounts of cash and it doesn't seem to matter whether you even met Michael in his life, they will pay for your story. First their was The 'Gay Lover' of Michael's skin Doctor, then other so called doctors, nurses, aides, friends of aides: that was bad enough, but to be expected.
Then came the family and friends (stand in line if you will).... Latoya, Tito, Matte Fiddes and Uri (suppossedly friends) then broke the mould and really got under my skin when they were ALL PAID HUGE SUMS OF CASH, profiting even with TV specials from Michael's death; Their brother, their friend: the new meal ticket. Only Jermaine insisted on not being paid, however, after a little research I found this to be true for only ONE of his now countless cover stories.

The Mark of Credibility?
But today comes another and credibility is tapping me on the shoulder saying, this could be true; 'This guy seems genuine'. He claims he gave Michael sperm in 1996 as a gift. (Nice gift as long as it's wrapped+ a total secret) especially if you want to be the best dad ever, MJ did. As a result he believes out of the three MiJackson children, Paris is most likely his due to the similarities with his own daughter Harriet.
But that said, and if this is true, Mark has just cast a shadow on the ever 'so close' friendship they had with Michael as a family and ruined quite possibly the bond between the kids and their deceased father.
That bond is more important than any bond Mark may have wanted to continue sharing with the kids...
But he has 'concerns' after being shunned by the Jackson family and seeing that they are being raised in an environment 'Michael would not have wanted'
He looks sincere and for the moment my opinion is favouring his intentions despite HATING the fact he is profiting from this. Mind you, if he is going to have to fly out for that DNA test he will need a few extra pennies and the NOTW shouldn't get their stories (which bring them huge returns) free of charge should they?
It's just all getting so ugly
The other half of me says 'with Katherine' is where they belong, Mark should feel guilty for braking his confidence to his friend and God-children in death! and no wonder Paris and Prince are banned from the Internet and aren't allowed to watch the news with all this ugly contradicting information floating around with no real definitions of truth and fiction.

The Sun just reported Michael was buried today.... but is still rumour, will look into this tomorrow

NEVER FORGET: We LOVE you Michael
1958 - 2009

PS. Hurry up with that autopsy LAPD/LACD, I heard they buried him today... That's when the tears came. I was awake at 5am playing Human Nature and Gone to Soon; It keeps me from sleeping all this Ugliness.
My refund came through this morning as well. Of course that shall go on MJ stuff and some healthy food, I haven't been eating since my beloved Michael passed.

Background to this TWIST: Child star of Oliver Twist Mark Lester and his family were great friends with Michael and his children, a special bond was formed evidently and the amount of confirmed visits along with meetings abroad were very numerous especially when MJ was in London. Michael was mobbed when they all went to see Mark's return to the stage months before he died, just after his This Is It announcement.

An older Paris or a girl who wants a modelling career? Sorry - but you have to wonder about motivations when £20,000+ is involved. YouTube have the NOTW video of Mark's so called confession... check it out and see if you think he's telling the truth.
The similarities between Harriet and Paris are evident...

URI - Shut The F*** UP!
Uri Gellar said 'he knew all along' ; that connection with Uri just took all Marks credibility away, in terms of what the fans believe. Many blame Uri indirectly for Michael's death, I do certainly for his downfall.

TODAY; What the associated press is saying on the matter

Jackson lawyer denies Lester claims

Michael Jackson's family lawyer has rejected claims from former child star Mark Lester that he could be the biological father of the pop legend's daughter Paris. Speaking on GMTV from Los Angeles, Brian Oxman said: "The thing I always heard from Michael was that Michael was the father of these children, and I believe Michael."
Lester, who starred in 1960s musical Oliver! and is godfather to Jackson's three children, revealed that he donated sperm to the King of Pop 13 years ago.

'The collection' Review and 'King Of Pop' book review

2009-08-09T10:52:00.007Z

My new purchases in Review...

I bought 'The Collection' yesterday, the new box set which qualifies for the UK album chart (don't ask me why - It's a box set!) and is #14 this week thanks to a very reasonable price.
The set takes the simple form of including all 5 major Epic/Sony albums; 'Off The Wall'-inc. 2 demos, 'Thriller' - original version, 'Bad'-special edition minus interviews, 'Dangerous'-special edition with original cover and 'Invincible' - silver cover.
The only major albums from his later solo years to be omitted are 'HIStory' which is no secret as my favourite album and the remix album/EP, 'Blood On The Dance Floor'. I believe it's a good Idea to leave something missing in order to keep HIStory with it's special status as a box set in it's own right and BOTDF as a collectors album for anyone who likes what they hear.
Being a collector of course, I expected 'more of the same', simply re-packaged and reissued albums in a nice box. However it is convenient for those who still prefer CD's to digital downloads to have nearly all his albums in one box and to my pleasure - all the albums are in cardboard sleeves (mini versions of the original LP Vinyl covers) which is novel and also increases it's compact form. Whether you prefer the special edition covers or the ones in 'The Collection' (which are like 7" single covers, only a little reinforced) - with a price tag of £21.99 it's a huge saving on buying them all separately. That could cost you well over £50 in some shops, and most shops ONLY stock the 'millennium editions' now. My only criticism is it would have been nice to have the Thriller 25 version.

Recommended? Definitely, go to Tesco, it's only £15.91 this week
Price: £21.99-£45.00, Most places sell for less than £29.99
(Photo: above)
Overall: 5/5

I also snapped up the following book and although I have only skimmed it - here's my impression so far....
''to a fan - it could kill an hour at the most, but nice to have for the price''
"Could have done better in 20minutes, SO inaccurate: makes me wanna SCREAM "
The book is obviously a snap compared to others when it comes to the price tag! You can snap this baby up for an rrp of £7.99. However, go down to Tesco (yes Tesco again!) and you' will find they are doing a special offer this week - yours for £3.99
However upon closer inspection it is not really up to much. Relying heavily on transcripts fro interviews and quotes from TV specials and things we as fans already know line for line I am now a bit disappointed.

Content substance: 1/5 Nothing we didn't know apart from the odd anecdote
Content presentation: 3/5 Flows well enough but less emphasis on HIStory era and later years, a little too obsessed with child abuse which contradicts the title which suggests an emphasis on pop
Appearance/Presentation: 3/5 nice pics, 1 or 2 rarities, nice for price
Accuracy: 1.5 /5 Emily Herbert- Do your research. Thriller sold over 100m! and that discography is unforgivable. This book has been put together in 5 minutes
worse bit? It contains a discography which is pretty inaccurate it makes me wanna scream! It doesn't even mention BOTDF on his album and EP list!! But it does mention bootlegs like 'Bad in Japan'
Price: 5/5 If you get down to Tesco it will cost you less than 5
Overall: 2/5

Michael Jackson Marketing Fortune (TV GUIDE USA)

2009-08-08T06:08:00.002Z

CHECK OUT TVGuide's
Special Memorial issue, in the USA this week!

This particular publication have covered MJJ in a positive light most of his career, all the way from 1969 When they showed The Jackson family at home! In doing so they have delivered some of the most different and dynamic shoots of Jackson's career

However, they chose a simple shot for their cover piece this 'In The Closet' greased-back-hair-look from 1991 looks perfect in Black and White for their ultimate 'celebration' issue.

Any USA fans: I'd love a copy or a peek at any photos we haven't already seen

(Above: Treat of a pic)

Remember The Time - Days from HIStory

2009-08-07T12:36:00.005Z

Rare Shot from Rare Video
The video for Michael's all star charity 9-11 relief single 'What More Can I Give' (shelved by Sony as a result of Michael's feud with them) was perhaps disappointing to Michael's fans, who only got to see about 10 seconds of footage which featured him (literally) but this rare shot from Entertainment Tonight shows him in the studio directing and performing his part.
+ Both English and Spanish versions of the video are available on YouTube
+ The Spanish version features a longer shot of MJ in sequined Red Jacket!!

His Last performance

Michael and Diana Ross in his 'Last public performance', at a Democratic Part Fundraiser; 2002.

I have obtained exclusive photos, or atleast ones previously not released or published on the net of this - his swan song. Michael performed 'Dangerous' (shown on TV and available on YouTube), but also 'Black Or White' (with Dave Navarro) , 'You are Not Alone' and 'Heal The World' (Right).
The broadcast on TV did not include the other performances due to 'contractual copyright issues' according to CNN. However other sources close to Michael insinuated this was due to the ongoing rift between MJ and Sony (the performance was an effort to promote Invincible which had fallen out of the charts completely), another theory is when Michael saw the footage of his performance he was unhappy with the unflattering camera angles and close ups on his face and only permitted Dangerous (where is face is covered with a hat almost completely) . However I have not been able to find a definitive reason why this sensational set could not have been played in whole; the pictures speak for themselves!

I will share these fantastic and now of course significantly historic pictures in the coming days

I suffer from... Borderline Personality Disorder

2009-08-07T09:33:00.001Z

Wow, people make videos about my illness

Michael has #1 USA album Again!

2009-08-07T07:57:00.002Z

MJ takes the number one spot in the USA this week again; the only album to sell over 100,000 copies this week is of course 'Number Ones'. Michael beat off new competition from new releases - and had his 4th week at the USA sales chart since his death. However, because the album is more than 18 months old, it only charts on the comprehensive/sales chart, not the Hot100. Fair? I don't think so. But gone are the days where Michael's success is ignored in the USA. Commentators are more shocked when Jackson isn't #1 nowadays; Who's Bad now?

Remember HIStory; America slammed the album (which is my personal favourite) as a flop, ignoring it's huge worldwide sales. The album sold so fast (7million double albums at 35dollars each in the first month) that Sony spiked on the stock market as a direct result! Now that was truly 'Making HIStory'

Jackson albums still dominate the rest of the US chart. In the past week ‘Thriller’ did 75,000, ‘The Essential Michael Jackson’ sold 73,000, ‘Bad’ did 37,000, ‘Off The Wall’ sold 37,000 and ‘Dangerous’ did 32,000.

Leave it to LaToya to cause a problem; Sis steals songs, furniture

2009-08-06T16:39:00.004Z

Show Me The Money!

Hours after Michael's death the family hauled Michael's house upside down looking for cash.

Little Latoya had other plans - She went for the computers and hard drives, not to mention furniture [This is a rented house we are talking about]

So far she has taken possession of computer hard drives that contain a trove of unreleased songs he recorded with A-list singers such as Ne-Yo, Akon, and will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, according to Rolling Stone magazine.

Frank Dileo reveals that only hours after Michael was taken to hospital, the family descended on the house to claim all its contents, and LaToya grabbed the drives whilst others tried to find the cash: apparently Michael would always have atleast a million in cash hidden under floor boards in walls, never in safes.

"They backed up trucks, removing everything!" DiLeo was quoted as telling Rolling Stone in its issue that hits newsstands on Friday. "They thought Michael owned it all, so they took even the rented furniture! And this is the family who think they are equipped to run a billion dollar estate?"

Jackson's will gave 40 percent of his estate to his 79-year-old mother, Katherine, 40% to his children and 20% to charity. The charity money will go to creditors until they are paid off.

Frank, who managed Michael back in the 80's and was the mastermind behind The Bad TourMoonwalker, is "pretty sure" the hard drives will know be hidden at the family's Hayvenhurst compound in Encino, Calif. and

"The estate lawyers will send out letters" to recover the drives so that the contents can be logged, DiLeo added.

Will.i.am said he did not have duplicates of his work with Jackson.

TOO BAD

DiLeo told Rolling Stone that there were at least 100 songs! Including many recorded at Jackson's 1980s peak -- that were never released, including a few "sensational" tracks that were left off "Bad," the 1987 follow-up to his blockbuster "Thriller."

Jackson estate sued over concerts

Michael Jackson's estate is being sued by a South Korean newspaper for 7.9 million dollars over a string of concerts which were allegedly cancelled.

The Segye Times sued Michael, his parents Joe and Katherine and brother Jermaine in 1990 over claims the family members failed to put on a series of gigs in South Korea despite allegedly being paid 5.5 million dollars by the paper.

But Michael Jackson settled the claims out of court in 1992, but records filed in Los Angeles Superior Court show a judge held a trial in February 1992, and none of the remaining Jacksons listed in the lawsuit showed up.

The Koreans are basically cashing in on a death in the most blatant way possible. Michael payed them with 'his' cash and now they want to collect the other Jackson brothers money which, no doubt will come from Michael's money; some of these Jacksons shouldn't even be allowed bank accounts. They'd manage to get into debt if they were on welfare. I did a little research on the king of financial mishaps - Joe Jackson and found he had gone bankrupt or claimed bankruptcy 7 times in the 1990's alone.

Understanding Michael Jackson: 'The redemption of Eastern Europe'

2009-08-06T13:01:00.001Z

A master piece co-produced by Michael costing 5million dollars contaning none of Michael's music, but key in explaining the military obsession; Michael Jackson wanted a 'sincere army of LOVE'. The video was criticiced for being anti-semetic, based on 'Hitlers Triumph of The Will' and of for blurring lines of commercial senasitional advertising and outright propaganda using 'religios' and zionist symbols. It was poduced in Hungary to promote HIStory. It is deep on so many levels and has been interpreted so many times - just watch and make up your own mind.

A shorter version also exists on Youtube at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXM8GS1Xw4A

Tabloid Junkie: "If he dies, Sympathise"

2009-08-04T05:36:00.005Z

Michael graces th front of Rolling Stone for the second issue in a row: This issue looks at the death rather than the life of The KING OF POP; 'Hope and Ruin' reads the title.

Above and Below: A double front cover from Long time enemy publication, Vanity fair is probably worth buying if for the outtakes from their infamous 1990 (decade end) dance photo shoot.

Jackson still #1 in album chart! Michael's estate billion-dollar empire within months!

2009-08-03T05:29:00.005Z

How ironic that in death Michael's so called 'EPIC' debts and failing fortunes could seem able to turn around so fast.

John Branca, the 'genius' behind Michael's business choices in the 80's including the negotiation of the purchase of 'The Beatles Catalogue' will turn Michael's estate into a billion dollar debt-less empire within months which could then double triple or more in the coming five years: That is if Katherine Jackson (since when did she go to business school) buts out.

The Jackson's, mainly Joe and Katherine would simply not know how to handle such a thing and if {they} became executors of the estate, they and Michael's future would be in serious jeopardy, even bankrupt within months say experts.

Katherine has been left 40% of Michael's estates profits - isn't that enough? If the control of the estates wasn't with Branca, or the genius of John McClain the Jackson children wouldn't be so happy with Grandma once they reach 21!

Above: Angel EYES, Days before his death
Below: Michael promotes HIStory

MICHAEL IS #1 AGAIN: '9 albums in chart'
Michael keeps a firm grip on the UK top #40
Here's his chart update, that right he still has more than one album inside the top100

#1. The Essential Michael Jackson (17million copies shipped)

#8. Michael and The Jackson Five The Motown Years
#12. Off The Wall (23.5million sales worldwide)
#14 THE COLLECTION(New) features all main solo albums bar HIStory)
#22. Number Ones (diamond seller=over 10million)
#27. King Of Pop
#39. The very best of Jackson 5 (5.5million)
#40. HIStory (down from 33) (23.5million double albums)
#50. Thriller 25

To be updated very soon with highlights from singles chart!

Doctor 'WILL' Do Time - but that won't bring Michael Back

2009-08-02T08:38:00.005Z

Cigarettes: 7
Weight: 8stone 3
Prescribed drugs administered: Diazepam 40mg Physeptone 90mg Seroxat
Colour of the day: Black
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 8, Depressed, despairingly lost

Michael's Doctor Speaking yesterday:
"Yes, he was dead for 30mins before I shouted for someone to call Prince"

That's right! You are reading that correctly, Michael Jackson's personal doctor 'braggingly' admitting that after some 30mins of 'no pulse' and as his body began to cool, not even in his groin (The largest area of blood flow) was there any sign of a faint pulse: he finally shouted for.... PRINCE! (?)
I'm sure the our little prince is the heir to daddy's throne and probably knows a little about death, and I'm not turning this into a joke; but why didn't this guy just call '911' and not after half an hour; but the minute he saw first Michael Jackson not breathing. Surely this is common sense to anyone. Rumours circulate he did make two phone calls... to Texas to ask his staff to destroy or remove certain items pertaining to MJ's file, possibly including DIPRIVAN the anaesthetic which probably killed him

WHAT IF HE HAD CALLED 911 IMMEDIATELY
He would already be in an intensive care unit if he had done so immediately and given there was initially 'a faint pulse', doctors could have administered NALOXONE (antidote to demerol) and failing that, adrenaline. I know that and I'm no doctor... maybe he knew something we didn't or maybe he was just preying for Michael to just come round.... save him from jail and maybe he would wake up from this night mare. But the truth is this, If he had got a professional there STRAIGHT away; He would still be alive: FACT.

In my anger of at the time of writing I can only come to the logical conclusion that the doctors negligence prevented Michael's life being saved and therefore IF it were the doctor 9and we can assume that I believe) who supplied the drugs, then he is guilty of second degree murder, or at least, at very least negligent homicide. The man will go to Jail, some have guessed it could be anywhere from 2-15 years.

Did Michael produce an 'ode to drug addiction in 1994'

2009-07-31T11:22:00.012Z

SHOCKING evidence of DRUG ADDICTION
Michael Could Have Lost leg - remember the infamous 'spider bite excuse' when he was on crutches

What does this show? Our MJ was hurting... I have known people who suffer like this who are heroin addicts, this sort of thing is common in people addicted to street drugs who don't know good injection practises (if there is such a thing) It could be cellulitus/Vein damage or possible necrosis(dying tissue which spreads) due to poor injection habits where drugs have missed veins and damaged tissue or hit arteries and killed tissue forever. It could also be the result of a blood clot, caused by injecting too many drugs in the wrong places.

I am speechless - whoever knew about his and didn't try to get him into rehab is going to do time, or should do in my opinion I can barely look.
Michael would have been on crutches and any fan will kow they were two periods when MJ used crutches and appeared to be in extreme pain.
But more pain means : more Painkillers and more drugs and that means more problems with legs, injection sites.... oh my poor baby michael I miss you

Diary entry....
Cigarettes: 10+ And believe me I hate... 'hate' myself, using an extremely Strong anti-stain toothpaste as I would die if I had yellow teeth. Now that I'm over illegal drugs well and truly I may get my teeth 'done' as they say in states, whitened, polished etc...
Weight: 8stone 1 (Back on yogurts and bread diet)
Prescribed drugs administered: 50mg diazepam, ensure plus, 20mg peroxatine
Colour of the day: Depression lasted into yesterday, feeling more manic today
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 5

There's just so much going on in my life at the moment and my mental health is definitely fluctuating daily. Sometimes I feel on the edge of feeling suicidal but luckily haven't had any thoughts to carry out... and other times I feel calm, I wish I could feel calm but a recent issue I can't really mention has left me a nervous wreck

On top of that and far more important is Michael's death and the tedious process of slowly extracting the teeth, I mean TRUTH about the Demerol, the Diprivan, the hangers on, the fourth son.
But one thing is for sure I (with my own addiction problems over the years) knew Michael has been using Valium and probably an opiate aswell (demerol, most likely) since 1993 sporadically however and not continuously as the press have speculated on and off.

So today I leave you with my final thoughts on the Track some say Michael predicted his own death in, Morphine

Morphine is a definite recommendation from me with an industrial beet and banging bass, layered with vocals that Michael spits out with anger. It's written from the drugs point of view 'Trust in me', says the liquid in the needle, 'put all your trust in ME' until it taunts the user: 'your doin' morphine!' It's the 2nd track from the 1997 #1 album Blood On The Dance Floor (History in the mix) and with sales totalling 6million: it holds the Guinness world record for 'the largest selling remix album' More and more More chilling is the middle 'theme' of the song which contrasts the harder lyrics of the verse "Demerol" is named specifically as his drug of choice. Like Nancy Sinatra in a song about the same narcotic, "Some Velvet Morning," Jackson sings seductively- from the point of view of the drug itself. "Close your eyes and drift away," he intones sweetly. Then he chants, "Demerol, Demerol," referring to the opiate that Elizabeth Taylor used to take regularly for headaches and that Jackson was reported in court papers to have been addicted to.

The haunting track appears to be Michael's first lyrical take on the subject of drug addiction and eerily seems to foreshadow the King Of Pop's death. It kicks off with an assaulting beat and the lyrics

"He got flat (flack?) baby,
Kick in the back baby
A heart attack baby ; I need your body."

But a verse about morphine substitute Demerol is particularly notable after rumors of Michael's longtime drug abuse and reports that Jackson was injected with the painkiller just before his death.

Relax
This won't hurt you
Before I put it in
Close your eyes and count to ten
Don't cry
I won't convert you
There's no need to dismay
Close your eyes and drift away

Demerol
Demerol
Oh God he's taking demerol
Demerol
Demerol
Oh God he's taking demerol

He's tried
Hard to convince her
To be over what he had
Today he wants it twice as bad
Don't cry
I won't resent you
Yesterday you had his trust
Today he's taking twice as much

Michael Jackson - 1958 - 2009

Ps. Do his kids a favour and buy his albums (lol) No seriously- lets say 4 each

NATURAL HIGH! in 1996 at the WORLD MUSIC AWARDS - he got 5 awards!

The Last Supper: chef to publish cookbook based on final meals

2009-07-30T14:35:00.001Z

Fairly sickening I know. But the chef has recently gave her version of events as a dark clowd refuses to go away from his person doctor who may face mansalughter or second degree murder.

It confirms that the doctor thought it appropriate to waite atleast 50-780minutes from the time Jackson stopped breathing before he even shouted for help.
Michael may have been 'cold' to touch by the time he was in A + E. Conrad Murray also phoned his residence in that long waiting period to ask his staff to remove certain items. The residence has only now been raided.
Amen

Uri's STORY

2009-07-27T12:12:00.007Z

Cigarettes: 10+
Weight: 8stone 3 (where'd that come from)
Prescribed drugs administered: 50mg diazepam 20mh seroxat 60mg physeptone

I'm in court today over something... well something I didn't do but I was sick last night with nerves and feel like I'm gonna faint. Pray For me everyone

Anyways...
'The real Michael Jackson; Uri's Story, ITV1' - What did you think?
It did have a fair amount of unseen footage but I was anticipating more judging by the commercial (see post from days previous) But out of all the post death documentaries it has to be the most heart felt
Angel gives it three stars 5/10
couldn't give it more seenas Uri played a huge part in Michael's death

Michael Jackson's 'Suicide' Interview

2009-07-23T09:38:00.001Z

NEW uncovered today, skip to 1.00min to the suicide part VERY TOUCHING

My Friend Michael Jackson Sunday ITV1

2009-07-21T13:37:00.001Z

Make sure you watch it

Rehearsal footage to become 3D Big Screen Movie

2009-07-20T12:17:00.005Z

Cigarettes: 4

Weight: 8stone
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam 20mg seroxat
Colour of the day: Michael

How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 7

Well it looks like the rehearsal footage that was filmed days before his death (the stuff we haven't seen yet) will not simply be released on DVD and instead will take a movie format. Sad in a way; Michael was so eager to eventually get the ultimate movie launch.... but the right role simply never came across, not in his lifetime anyways.

Here's the press report on the movie:

The Michael Jackson Movie

"The swansong crafted from his This Is It concert rehearsal footage - has been picked up by Sony Pictures."
The feature, which will be taken from the 80 hours of footage shot, is expected to be helmed by High School Musical director Kenny Ortega who took the initiative to chronicle the star's preparations for his 50-date London stint and is currently free following untimely death of Jackson, who would have taken up his directive input through to the end of his This Is It concerts.
Sony are apparently looking at a $50 million bill for the worldwide rights to the rushes, paid to concert organisers AEG Entertainment who are hurriedly attempting to claw back their losses after the King Of Pop's untimely death last month. Sony pipped other interested studios to the post due to their ties with Sony Music Entertainment who own Jackson's music publishing rights, jointly with Jackson himself.
Also on the market from industrious AEG, is the footage from the MJ tribute concert which will feature sister Janet and Justin Timberlake, taking place on August 29. This would have been Michael's B-day! Not wanting to profit from his death? NOoooo!!!
The footage was originally meant for a behind-the-scenes movie of the gigs - and which will now be a way to cater for the grieving fans of the star - was tipped to be re-mastered in 3D. The film will also be interwoven with versions of Jackson's videos which were shot especially for airing at the concerts, including an update on the classic Thriller. Sources expect the film to hit the public domain before the end of the year.
Source: Google News, Empire Movie News (edited with some corrections by me)

Michael Jackson Chart Update: His Album sales higher than ever!

2009-07-19T18:24:00.004Z

Cigarettes: 6
Weight: 8 stone 1
Prescribed drugs administered: 50mg diazepam, 85 physeptone, 20mg seroxat

Trying to keep busy but all I can think about is Michael. Well - here is the good news Michael rules the charts more than ever and has sold 2million physical albums since his death now and this week he sells 900,000, more than any week before since Invincible came out)

Chart Update (week 3 since death)
Source: Official Chart company

Album chart (Michael Rules the chart this week more than ever, with new stock in of HIStory)

#1. The Essential Michael Jackson
#3. Off The Wall
#4. Thriller
#5. The Motown Years (With Jackson5)
#7. Number Ones
#9. Thriller 25
#14. King Of Pop
#15. The Very Best Of The Jackson 5
#17. HIStory (My favourite, from 1995, up from #33!)

The only reason Bad and Dangerous are no longer in the chart atall is because most retailers have completely sold out and there are no surplus copies already shipped. In other words they need to make some more!

Singles Chart (again generally ruled by MJ with some new entries, and I'll tell you why)

#3. Man In The Mirror (down one place due to new entry, from Bad)
#20. Smooth Criminal (from Bad)
#21. Billie Jean (highest entry from Thriller)
#25. Thriller (video dowloads of this classic may make this a long stayer on chart)
#28. They Don't Care About Us (From1995 HIStory album, a surprise alltime favourite in UK)
#29. Black Or White (highest entry this week from Dangerous album which has sold out in stores)
#31. Dirty Diana
#32. Beat it
#36. Who's Lovin' You With The Jackson5 (Thanks to performance on memorial service by Welsh kid)
#39. Earth Song (#1 for 6 weeks in 1995-6, MJ's highest selling single in UK - could this change??)
#40. You Are Not Alone (also #1 for 3weeks in '95 from HIStory)

#42 The Way You Make Me Feel (Sticking around since the Bad album sold out everywhere)
#44. Heal The World (Thanks to the memorial finale performance)
#45. Bad (Album sold out!)
#48 Don't Stop Til You Get Enough (From Off The Wall)
#49. I'll Be There (from 1972, thanks to memorial Mariah Carey performance)
#51 Will You Be There (Spiritual Song Up 30! thanks to memorial... From the unbeatable Dangerous Album)
#57. I want You Back Sold (Sold 6million In USA back in 1969-1988)
#59. ABC [J5]
#62. Human Nature (up 28places from 90, due to guitar interpretation at memorial )
#69. Ben (Michael's first solo number one recorded 1972)
#74. Smile (From HIStory RARE SHOCK NEW ENTRY - never released as single!)
#77. We Are The World [USA for Africa] (up from 193 Thanks to TV exposure)
#79 Can You Feel It [Michael and Marlon feat. The Jacksons]
#80 Rock With You
#84 Blame It On The Boogie [Jacksons]
#87. You Rock My World (From Invincible (can you believe it!!??)
#89. Leave Me Alone (From Bad, shown on Q channel this week in heavy rotation)
#91. Wanna be startin Somethin (From Thriller)
#100. I just can't Stop Loving You (From the sold out 'Bad', not my favourite MJ track)

Michael Jackson ~ 'A Place With No Name' 2000

2009-07-17T15:18:00.002Z

New leaked track from the the King Of Pop, based on 'A horse with no name'. As of Yet only a 25 second clip has been released.

Cigarettes: 10+
Weight: 8stone (1pound) Fasting on my yogurt only diet
Prescribed drugs administered: 65mg Diazepam Bad night last night , 20mg Peroxatine 85mg Physeptone.
Colour of the day: Michael
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 7

OK! magazine has a beautiful set of pictures in this week of 'Michael's' children in a faux pretend marriage which 'eccentric' love of my life Michael captured on tape and photographed. One thing puzzled me and that was - where these pictures had surfaced and who was getting payed for them. I have enough knowledge of this industry and the way right to photos work to know that a six figure sum will almost certainly be involved for last weeks and again for this and next weeks exclusives.
£3million for a trilogy of photos is alot but they are photos of Michael's kids... So...
If that person doing the bartering isn't part of the family or compensating the newly formed 'Michael Jackson estate' (which could do with the money in order to protect its 1.5billion pound status) then I'd be very disappointed.

Michael's legacy should always be his children and to keep them away from Joseph Jackson the ultimate tyrant at all costs

EXCLUSIVE: Michael Jackson - Watching This It It Audition - Very Rare Unseen HQ

2009-07-14T19:00:00.001Z

Untergang (Downfall)

2009-07-14T15:55:00.001Z

Great film about the last days of Adolf Hitler in his Berlin Bunker.

HIStory continues

2009-07-09T12:28:00.007Z

Cigarettes: 10+
Weight: 8stone 1
Prescribed drugs administered: physeptone 65mg, diazepam 40mg, peroxatine 20mg, ensurex 4
Colour of the day: Black
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 9
Food: None

HIStory continues

Michael Jackson has sold 30million posthumous records units (including downloads)
Experts say the compilation album Number Ones (originally hailed a flop in 2003) could Outsell THRILLER (The biggest selling album in history, current sales 112million) if posthumous success continues in the current fashion.
In the last week; 10million physical album sales worldwide
1million Albums sold in stores in the UK (This week)
4million downloads in the UK (This week)
2.5million albums sold in two weeks in the USA

(LA Times, The Sun, Sound scan, Billboard)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Most popular albums since death and their worldwide sales so far....

1. Number Ones (15million) Sales still increasing!
2. The Essential Michael Jackson double album (8million) Going up- #1 in UK album chart
3. Thriller (including Thriller 25) (108-112million) There is no stopping this baby
4. Off The Wall (26million) Hailed as most artistically credible by UK critics, not so in USA
5. King Of Pop (Not available in USA) (4million Europe only) Celebrated 50th B-day (apt)
6. Best Of Jackson 5 (5million) A surprise to see this very black album doing so well
7. HIStory 2CD 22million Double albums (My Favourite album tied with Dangerous)
8. Bad 24million (In the UK charts nearly 23 years after release)
9. Dangerous 30million (Artistically it doesn't get any better; perfection)
10. Invincible 12million (They still call it a flop but is now a diamond seller)

What album shall I buy to honour Michael's death?
The album I recommend to someone who knows little or owns none of Jackson's music is
The essential Michael Jackson (Double album= value for money). If you like it, Dangerous or HIStory are the obvious follow ups, they haven't dated since the 1992 and 1995 release dates and could easily (oh sorry they are) in the charts today!

To everyone puzzled as to why I won't leave the subject alone in my blog...
MJ was a huge part of my life, I am still trying to come to terms with his death, this is maybe the best way ow to commentate on what the papers, family and people are saying about my Michael.... I promise when he's buried I will move on.

Michael Jackson's Nurse on DIPRIVAN

2009-07-07T09:42:00.002Z

Diprivan is not a sedative, rather an anaesthetic - but after looking this girl up she seems to not be of the money grabbing persuasion, but always take it with a pinch of salt when someone is being payed to be on TV.

"All this time I have struggled with prescription drug addiction and my hero holding me together was just the same as me - all along"

Rest In Peace Michael The true KING- Love Angel

I have had it when I needed a camera down my throat once: I think they call it an endoscopy... Could well have changed the name after they were finished with me I needed 3x the usual dose and I was still conscience

Michael's funeral today - Insomnia rules: UK time 6am

2009-07-07T06:03:00.005Z

Cigarettes: 10+
Weight: 8stone (2pounds; ensure makes you put on weight)
Prescribed drugs administered: 60mg Diazepam Bad night last night , 20mg Peroxatine 50mg Physeptone.
Colour of the day: Michael (Red/Black/Gold were his favourite colours)
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 10

Funeral Day, CUMBRIA UK, 7.50AM:
Funeral, or shall I say memorial day has arrived and it's 6 Am, I haven't slept more than a few hours and have drifted in and out repeatedly. I took a small amount of extra Diazepam, which helped...
Well No Funeral has hit the airwaves yet... so I will be back later to twitter as they say now.

Latest from world of MiJack
Thank GOD Katherine Jackson has been removed as executor of Michael's estate
John Branca Michael's business genius who negotiated the purchase of the Beatles catalogue has been appointed in her place, by Jackson's direction from his 2002 will.
Katherine along with her violent bully of a husband is a lovely Lady and a Jehovah's Witness as I was growing up but they are known (the family) for making terrible business decisions and would likely bankrupt his estate in a year even if it is worth 2billion, they would find a a pathetic investment in a business area they know nothing about and piss it away. excuse my language but they are bad news when it comes to money. Besides they have huge debts of their own...
{Enter John Branca} Hurray!

"There is more at stake than the singer’s assets when he was alive. With explosive sales of music and worldwide hunger for all things Jackson, the estate will need to act quickly to establish a business that can police its property." - Al Sharpton (See yesterdays video for more of his blah blah blah)

Good advice

Debbie Rowe - What WE KNOW

When the singer was acquitted of child molestation, Rowe agreed to give up 'all parental rights' in exchange for £4.5million, paid over 10 years.
She received a lump sum of £606,000 and the first instalment of £390,000 in 2007.

Debbie Rowe claims she has only received one instalment of the £4.5million deal re: parental rights. But, bear in mind she was paid $6million per child 'just' to give birth in the first place and bought a 3million dollar Hollywood home in return for 'general' custody of their children.

She, wants to know when she will get her next instalment - Debbie, when they thaw out his frozen body and bring him back to life and pigs fly... He is D-E-A-D Your not getting any of his money now... And BTW folks she says if she doesn't she wants them back, what a loving mother. BACK - she only saw them 4 times and one of those was in the delivery room covered in placenta; good times, good times!

She originally called them a gift for Michael and you know what they say about people who give only to receive....
Greedy B I T C H .... I know!

Al Sharpton Attacks jackson Coverage ; BODY OF MICHAEL FILMED IN CHURCH

2009-07-06T08:27:00.004Z

Weight: 8stone 1 (gained a pound without eating anything - Back on liquid diet which is full of nutrion so that's maybe why. Can't hold down any solids at the moment)
Medications administered: 40mg Diazepam, 50mg Physeptone, 20mg Peroxatine. 4 x ensure plus (liquid diet again)

I can't believe this is Michael's body in that church, he was a Jehovah's Witness, his family will be having a field day, his mother will hit the roof. This can't be right. No two religions can be right to the same person if they contradict.

However, with Michael's body lying there in this clip, starring me in the face, I can hardly go on some diatribe about religion.

It's unfortunate at this present time the media coverage in The United States would appear to focus on the negatives of Michael's life (for which there were numerous, however fabricated) However, unfortunate it is also, that Al Sharpton is using Michael's death and actual shrouded body as a ploy in his civil rights game with the media.

Moreover, this brings me to the saddest fact of all, which lurks in the background of all this media noise - Michael Jackson still does not REST IN PEACE. I LOVE YOU MICHAEL - WE CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR GONE; YOU WILL LIVE FOREVER.

Michael Jackson Is also #1 in the album chart, also number #3, #5, #6, #10, #17, #33, #68

My Song of The Day...
'This Time Around' 'A great funky number, Michael doing 'defiance' and 'anger'
Taken from... M.Jackson's 21million selling HIStory Album Double album Pictured Left
(One of 7 Michael Jackson albums in top 40 UK album Chart orig. released 1995)

Michael Jackson News Of The World Reveal 1996 Deposition

2009-07-05T12:18:00.003Z

Shocking footage now released by British tabloid 'The News Of The World'....

Jackson laughs and squirms at suggestions of sexual contact with children. Brought a smile to my face Jackson's lawyer really owns the moment....

My grief for 'MY Michael' is starting to begin to sink in. I am beginning to expect he may be actually no longer with us. However there is still a detached element to my sadness as if this could never have happened and therefore hasn't. It's great he has 44 songs in the top 60 but at the same time I keep thinking of it as some sort of success of his part; as if he knows and is alive appreciating his new found success, his return to his POP throne.
But he doesn't know he's #1 does he? He's DEAD. The question is no longer if HE's DEAD, but whether 'I' can LIVE with that.

At the moment I'm not sure

Weight: 8stone
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1-10: 8, my grief for Michael is starting to sink in, I am beginning to expect he may be actually no longer with us.
Medications administered: 50mg physeptone, 20mg peroxatine, 40mg diazepam

Michael Jackson FINAL Rehearsal Footage Video

2009-07-03T10:29:00.003Z

This video surfaced today of MJ two days, that's right just two days before he died singing 'They Don't Care About Us' and 'Why you Wanna Trip On Me'. He looks healthy which will no doubt fuel fire of the notion of foul play playing a part in his death.

It is a very similar routine to the one performed on the HIStory tour which I saw in London 1997, over ten years ago. His dancing looks great considering the main attraction doesn't usually dance or even sing during rehearsals unless it is to specifically tweek something.... Speechless.... Hard to watch, he looks lovely and so well dressed.

For me this just makes me more sad.... to know he wasn't scamming us, that 'he did' intend to perform, for me and all the fans in London in a matter of weeks.

A whole week since the death of an ICON....

Medications Taken today: Physeptone 65mg, diazepam(Valium) 40mg
Cigarettes: 10, I hate myself for it
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1-10: 10 I miss Michael so much
Weight: down to 8stone again... been living on seeds and yogurt mainly

My life is a mess with Michael, his death still hasn't sunk in esp. seeing this new footage. They have to release it on DVD, they have to. I also feel guilty asking for a refund to THIS IS IT concert... They havn't decided whether to turn all the dates into tribute shows yet.

I just wish it were not true

Michael jackson Beautiful Interview [60 minutes p2]

2009-07-02T15:13:00.003Z

Beautiful interview

probably what any superstar would refer to as 'not my finest hour by any account' His poe-faced expressions of agony all across the heavily made up version of what I still see as a beautiful face.

'My favourite' of all his televised interviews, and sealed in concrete the moment I found out CBS had to bid 6million for the 31minutes 30 seconds programme which is actually called 'Ed Hardy's 60minutes'; (Cut short when Jackson tells everyone in the room -

"I'm done - I'm hurting."

He didn't deny having to take a pain medication before during and after the CBS HIT which racked in 75% of America's audience. MiJack but a ban on any global syndication... I don't know why...?! Because it's so obvious my baby is hurting and self-medicating?

I am so sensitive to his pain

He's clearly just been a victim of police brutality in this video (Parts 1,2,3 available) on youtube

I had to take 20mg diazepam after watching this it made me so sad....

Smooth Criminal History Tour Bucharest-1996

2009-06-30T13:50:00.003Z

I went to see this concert series (HIStory world tour) only in London, This Clip is of Smooth Criminal... I guess it's the first time you could say I am making an effort to celebrate his talent rather than just cry. RIP Michael The truth is on the way regarding the fashion he passed is coming out in bits (here and there), some lies, some truths; but eventually we will all know.

Medication taken today:85mg physeptone, Morphine sulphate 2.5mg, 40mg Diazepam, 20mg Seroxat (Peroxatine)
Weight: 8Stone 6Pounds

Very similar to what they are claiming killed Michael. I very much doubt he was able to rehearse for THIS IS IT with 40mg of diazepam and a morphine based drug on top in his body.

RIP KING OF POP

Happy Memory

2009-06-28T19:03:00.001Z

We love you Michael Jackson RIP

MICHAEL UNDER THE INFLUENCE DAYS BEFORE DYING

2009-06-28T17:36:00.001Z

Evidence he was taking atleast 1 morphine based drug and diazepam or Lorazepam.

Woman arrested beat by police off camera

2009-06-21T12:23:00.001Z

It makes me sick to think that police abuse their power in this way, we [Those with first hand expirience] all know they do] I think everyone that pays taxes should watch this video and wake up and realise where their tax money goes.... hedoinistic B**rds who get a kick out of control and abuse of power

FUTURE

2009-06-18T18:49:00.001Z

AMAZING WATCH THIS

The Virgin Suicides

2009-06-18T18:30:00.001Z

I FEEL LIKE A VIRGIN
I FEEL LIKE SUICIDE

Black Or White Live in Mexico

2009-06-07T12:25:00.001Z

Everyone get a bit of MJ down ya!!! because I'm to depressed to talk and I'm going to see the musical tonight! THRILLERLIVE!!

Michael Jackson Concert (Jacko's NEW Chav-Style HOODIE)

2009-04-26T10:06:00.003Z

Cigarettes: 0
Weight: 7stone 1 Which is odd B'coz I eat like a pig
Prescribed drugs administered: 65mg diazepam (Talk to the hand) 25mg physeptone

MJ-HOODIE!
Michael Jackson was recently pictured in much more fashionable attire than he is accustomed to. This multi coloured hoodie is great.... in fact, although it's not Michael's usual look I love it and I want one

I am due to see MICHAEL JACKSON IN CONCERT on February 12th 2010 at the 02 Arena and hopefully in July, (If someone gives me the right price soon... e-mail me if you have any tickets for exchange) and I can't wait
I love you Michael!
I Love You MORE!

Check out my latest Michael Jackson Remix on YOUTUBE
Feel Free to Rate or comment

Click here to hear about Michael's court Victory against Julien's Auctions (My YouTube video)
Rate or comment...

My Michael Jackson YouTube Channel (loads of my MJ Mixes)
All comments and ratings much appreciated

Jacko tells auction to BEAT IT!

2009-04-19T12:21:00.002Z

Cigarettes: 4
Weight: 7stone 7pounds
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam, 40mg physeptone

Michael Jackson Gets His Stuff Back
I was happy and thrilled to hear Michael Jackson won his battle to get his stuff back from those calling themselves removal guys who were actually Juiliens Auctions. Had he not reached this amazing victory (see my youtube video for more details on the matter) his stuff including sequined glove would have fetched Juliens and Jackson up to 80million USdollars; that's in a recession remember guys!!

Excuse the image I just love that whole messiah complex he's got goin' on

Angry at Jacko haters, Angry at green party

2009-04-08T10:24:00.003Z

Michael Jackson Fails to stop auction

I just read the following report, and to put it in simple terms I'm very angry
"Google news CNN: A US judge has rejected a request from pop star Michael Jackson to stop an auction of the singer's possessions from taking place later this month"

I'm also angry with The Green Party - but unfortunately due to legal reasons, I can't tell you why just yet, they are a bunch of hypocrits I can tell you that much....

To be updated...

Check out my Remixes on the Youtube

2009-03-23T12:47:00.005Z

Just scroll down and on the left you'll see a selection of (thumbnails) of mixes which I've uploaded for the every popular 'YouTube'. Most are remixes, (self produced, no DJ spinning records - cheating stuff) of Michael Jackson Songs, even if your not a fan you may find something you like!

I'm a great believer we are all capable of being converted [back] into Michael Jackson Fans, most of us were at one point in out lives and we forget he was found INNOCENT and x Ten Times! You Know - just incase there was any room for doubt. Just face it, anyone reading this who hasn't got their fedora on them or silver glove typing at the keypad robably has it hidden, 'In The Closet' maybe? (a song from Michael's 'Dangerous' album which I have also remixed)

Check it out - if anything, it'll also give you a little idea of the type of music I produce, for songs I've written and created myself.

I have to say though, I do have fun with the production and editing side of the remixes and seen as M-JACK is back on top of the world, 'back on his throne' shall we say; there's no better time for me to plug them here.

If you don't see thumbnails like the two bellow down on the left hand side go direct to 'my Newish You Tube Channel' and be sure to rate or comment on my vids, some have thousands of views already so be kind with your ratings, mostly they are good so far, which makes me feel like it's a worth while hobby and not just something I'm doing for me.
It's gave me something to focus on and I've got loads more better ones which I need to get round to making slide shows for and getting up.

PS If anyone has a knack for making videos (proper-ones youtube music video styly) then e-mail me if you'd be willing to make one for one of my latest mixes.

My you Tube channel: www.youtube.com/AngelParisJordan

Click on one of the thumnails like this on the left hand side (scroll down)

Or go direct to my channel youtube.com/AngelParisJordan

Jade Is Dead - Reaction

2009-03-22T17:17:00.004Z

Cigarettes: 6
Weight: 7stone
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam, 75mg physeptone
Colour of the day: Jade

Jade Goody Was Pronounced dead at 3Am This Morning
The paper will be no doubt dissapointed it couldn't make the front page today. Feeding Frenzy will no doubt begin in print tomorrow in Princess 'Die' style fashion... I actually liked Jade and am quite upset.

From her official website WITH ANECDOTES FROM ME IN RED:

Her mother Jackiey told 'Max Clifford' (ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE AROUND WHEN SOMEONE DIES OR HAS A M.L.C/ MID LIFE CRISIS) that her beautiful girl has gone. The 27-year-old's body was taken from the home at shortly after 8am, when A black SUV carrying her body, was seen speeding away after stopping briefly for photographers ( This was the first thing that shocked me, to be frank. I know the Goodies were/are eager to use each event in Jades demise as a photo op/possible money spinner so as to leave cash for the boys, but there was no cash on offer for the first pics of her body being drove away so soon. It was only the other night I was having a discussion with my mum about how attitudes to the dead esp. inter-family attidues had changed, even since she was young; when she confirmed dead were cleaned first, by family NOT nurses, made up and on show in the their former home usually in an open coffin until the time for burial. Now it seems as soon as the ill take their last breathe they're ammediately no longer seen as 'the flesh of loved ones', to be cared for intimately, but something which family and health workers seem shockingly eager to 'get rid' of. 'The dead body' removed at once, as if the sight alone would harm the children and relatives forever. The same sight which only moments earlier was of a cherished, dying member of the family.
If my daugher or mother died the last thing I would want (let alone allow) is to have the body taken away from me). I thought even science agreed it was only natural to want to hang on. To cope with death we have to have expirienced it or loss in a similar way, like when we as children, see our first pet die: we learn then as in a real-life dress rehersal of asorts about death, about what it means and how to cope with it,
Bobby and Freddy should see have been able to see (not for seconds but truly see and acknowledge) their deceased mother in order to make the distinction between mummy alive and mummy now dead, in order to make this internalised correlation in their minds as to 'Mummy was alive, now Mummy has died, and there is her body as evidence, pschological proof and so now I can deal with it' .
Children aren't stupid but they aren't adults, I'm sure it's not that simple in a childs head but having a big SUV drive away suddenly and not be able to find your mother must be confusing to say the least. Even if it were explained that mummy was in the car I think this is an only too evident example of how we brush the harsh realities of death under the carpet and hardly ever face up to the true reality of looking at your loved one, now simple a dead body and grieve and in 'human' fashion as do so many cultures around the world where it is not uncommon for ever funeral attendee to kiss the dead one on the lips, the chest or hold his/her hands in order to truly internalise the psychological component of the farwell and hence complete that stage of the grieving process.

Ms Budden said: 'Family and friends would like this privacy, at last, for this morning.'The distraught mother was wearing pyjamas with a coat over the top when she left the house. Jade's friend Kevin Adams (The black guy who's become a prominant figure and close friend since we learned of her illness, I saw him play a key role on her wedding which was on LivingTv, which was surprisingly good and moreover surprisingly low on the cheese factor, strange that with a black man as a best friend that the whole world thought she was a racist!?), who was dressed all in black, was visbily upset and declined to comment to reporters outside the home. (No doubt that's an exclusive being protected by which ever sick publication has vultured in on 'first comment on death by Jades best friend' . I supposse know that she is dead we will see who her true friends are and who was really tagging along for the photo ops and eventual cash-for-stories opportuity; it is a shame she at the time of death still probably didn't know who really loved her and who was in it for the cash. I wonder whether her nurses will sell their stories like Anne boleyn's ladies in waiting selling strands of her hair post execution) Later, two police officers arrived at the house. Mr Clifford fought back tears (each tear -confirmed and authentic cocodile type NOW available on Ebay, sponsored by Max Clifford Assosiates) as he broke the news this morning. He said Jade's mother Jackiey and husband Jack Tweed were at her side. Mr Adams was also there.

Mourners began laying flowers near to Ms Budden's home this morning.'I think she's going to be remembered as a young girl who has, and who will, save an awful lot of lives,' Mr Clifford said. (Role on Princess Di comparisons, and righlty so, I relate far more with Jade than Lady Di who never 'had' to work really. Jade worked her way up from the gutter to the top, because she had to, because she wanted out of poverty, but the level of similarities will no doubt, ultimately lie with the reaction of the public)

"This Is It" Becomes 'YouTube Smash' with 40,000views+

2009-03-21T20:17:00.007Z

I just heard a fantastic bit of music genius. Steve Porter is a little known DJ but has turned a recent speech by Michael Jackson into a remix, manipulating his vocal so he appears to sing. Check it click here

40,000+ views in less than a month and counting: This is IT (for sure)
It's viewing numbers have soared due to Michael's immense popularity, following his return to the stage and the genius that is, probably 'the best remix of any format EVER!' It currently has 41,201 views, in only 28days.

It's "my top track of the week" check it out
Michael Jackson's New Single "This Is It" (Steve Porter Remix)

Plug of the month - Michael Jackson - The True King Of Pop, Rock and Soul

2009-03-21T20:06:00.002Z

"This Is It"
The Time Has Come
Michael Jackson Live at the O2 Arena 2008-2009
The Last chance for you to see Michael Jackson Live Anywhere in the world

My Message to Michael Joesph Jackson 21st March 2008:

"I can't wait to see you in concert on August 8th and February 12th
I never gave up on you I love you with all my heart. Until I see you jump up out of that stage YOU WILL BE MY LIFE."

"You Are My Life!"

Got tickets for Michael Jackson - This Is It! This Is It!

2009-03-19T10:44:00.005Z

Cigarettes: Don't currently care
Weight: 7 stone 1
Prescribed drugs administered: 80mg diazepam, 20mg physeptone

Michael Jackson... Looking very excited THIS IS IT

Michael F*CKING Jackson
Just got my tickets for his 'This is It' concerts (at the O2arena) a couple of days ago. I'm not going until the February12th concert but hope to go to atleast 3 other shows: However, now that tickets have sold out it's going to be a costly E-bay-affair even to go to one of the July concerts.

Jackson has proved again not only to attract more attention than any of his musical peers (does he even have any?) but the most successful. This may infact be one of the best example of his success, and his solo recording career is nearly 40years old!

consequences

2007-12-04T01:25:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 0
Weight: 6 st 5

Have been in a shit place but am Ok now
wrote a short poem in a and e on the back of admissions sheet
have lost my mind and my telephone

Consequences
Thanking confidences
Thanking consequences
A time of nothingness
There’s nothing left of me

Memories of traffic lights
Painful states of static nights
I submit to you
There’s nothing left of me to see
Stripped down to the bone
And agonizing sight to see

I regret to say
You do not know my name
There is nothing left of me
I hope you understand

Do not betray me like
The way you clearly have
I do not resent you see
I know not what you are

The Loneliest Person In The World

2007-10-16T09:57:00.000Z

The title of this entry is The Loneliest Person In The World
I am the Loneliest Person In The World

The 100 Most Famous People In the World 2007 (News and Star readers poll, Cumbria)

2007-10-14T13:56:00.000Z

Weight: 7 stone 10
Prescribed drugs administered: 20 mg diazepam
7th most famous person in the world?? (according to Cumbrians)

The local rag in Cumbria has always been the news and star but I was shocked this morning by several e-mails telling me that despite being one of the most hated I am (according to a recent poll based on Cumbrian internet search engine) the 7th most famous person according to readers of the news and star and also the 45th most famous subject matter.

Most searched for subject matter
45. Angel Paris-Jordan 1,173

Most famous/searched for person in Cumbria
7. Angel Paris Jordan 1,173

First here's a list of people I am 'more famous/intersting' than. Doesn't that sound wierd...

I AM OFFICIALLY MORE INTERESTING THAN
48. charlie brooks 1,144
56. shilpa shetty 876
58. gerry mccann 824
62. helen flanagan 787
63. paul huntington 778
64. steven gerrard 762
65. westlife 762
71. soapstar superstar 679
72. roxy emmerdale 634
76. self harm 605
81. brad pitt 574
83. dougie poynter 561
84. manchester united 556
88. roxanne mckee 518
89. eddie stobart 510
95. kate and gerry mccann 457
99. jade goody 422
100. cristiano ronaldo 420

ACCORDING TO AN INTERNET POLL (NEWS AND STAR)

People (MORE famous/intersting than me)

5. kate mccann 11,469
6. kate middleton 8,489
11. jodie marsh 5,867
24. ashley jensen 2,554
33. victoria beckham 1,821
35. carlisle united 1,511
38. pete doherty 1,411
39. elliot castro 1,384
40. prince william 1,347

The Entire list
Based on search engine results in 2007
1. news and star 173,629
2. News 35,121
3. evening news and star 31,479
4. Newsandstar 28,868
5. kate mccann 11,469
6. kate middleton 8,489
7. news star 8,349
8. cumberland news 7,606
9. roxanne pallett 6,320
10. news and star carlisle 5,962
11. jodie marsh 5,867
12. evening news 5,807
13. richard fleeshman 5,588
14. roxanne pallet 5,425
15. noel fielding 4,900
16. www.newsandstar.co.uk 4,893
17. carlisle news and star 4,499
18. carol vorderman 3,641
19. joey barton 3,604
20. carlisle news 3,291
21. cumbria news 3,131
22. Staffy 3,089
23. olly foster 2,697
24. ashley jensen 2,554
25. evening news and star carlisle 2,436
26. news and star cumbria 2,277
27. emma watson 2,233
28. good grades 1,994
29. carlisle evening news 1,913
30. carlisle evening news and star 1,900
31. Emmerdale 1,861
32. evening news star 1,845
33. victoria beckham 1,821
34. news star carlisle 1,528
35. carlisle united 1,511
36. ian watkins 1,456
37. pocoyo 1,439
38. pete doherty 1,411
39. elliot castro 1,384
40. prince william 1,347
41. little einsteins 1,342
42. newsandstar.co.uk 1,340
43. star news 1,338
44. sunblock girls 1,327
45. angel paris-jordan 1,173
46. cumberland news and star 1,156
47. evening news carlisle 1,153
48. charlie brooks 1,144
49. carlisle newspaper 1,100
50. sammy winward 1,084
51. race for life 1,023
52. julio baptista 967
53. keira knightley 965
54. extraordinary breastfeeding 924
55. callie rogers 915
56. shilpa shetty 876
57. self injury 857
58. gerry mccann 824
59. cumbria news and star 813
60. dita von teese 802
61. www.newsandstar 790
62. helen flanagan 787
63. paul huntington 778
64. steven gerrard 762
65. westlife 762
66. langerie 751
67. the news and star 748
68. news and star, carlisle 710
69. carlisle evening news star 688
70. british nuclear group 688
71. soapstar superstar 679
72. roxy emmerdale 634
73. news and star workington 629
74. thierry henry 623
75. emily maitlis 614
76. self harm 605
77. derren brown 595
78. nori virus 595
79. sellafield 594
80. cumberland evening news 575
81. brad pitt 574
82. the news star 567
83. dougie poynter 561
84. manchester united 556
85. new and star 554
86. newsand star 538
87. meerkat manor 536
88. roxanne mckee 518
89. eddie stobart 510
90. news and star newspaper 495
91. kingdom itv 493
92. marrow chutney 482
93. cumbrian news 472
94. untidy bedroom 467
95. kate and gerry mccann 457
96. new and star carlisle 454
97. evening news and star cumbria 435
98. shilpa-shetty 435
99. jade goody 422
100. cristiano ronaldo 420

National Mental Health Day... Friend that jumped of bridge turns up (Alive)

2007-10-12T11:21:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 12
Weight: 7 stone 11
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam, Ensure weight gain drinks (practically addicted and all free from the GP)
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10:

Well yesterday was infact National Mental Health Day. A day of Politically correct fuckary which usually only involves the giving out of free appointment diaries to nutters like me and putting up the odd poster with the word 'RESPECT' on (often altered by delusional Christians to 'REPENT')

But with religious days dominating the lion’s share of the calendar (Christmas, Easter, Ascension Day..... *cue endless list*) it seems only right that the nutters, anorexics, drug addled, Bipolar, personality disordered FREAKS get at least one day to call their own.
Ps. I am not saying I don't fall into any of those categories I just can't decide which I am at this particular second.
Well as it happened I got some free stationary at a stall in the middle of town, a free florescent jacket which I gave to some guy that said it would be good to do robberies in and a free manicure*

* The manicurist didn't turn up so instead the room of gathered people turned on the organisers**, ripped their perfectly trim nails from their hands and held them hostage***, forced them to sniff nail varnish and made them act 'out of character'* with a degree of success worthy of several doses of valium****

* = In the opinion of bystanders who were also acting out of character
** = not strictly true
*** = the word 'hostage' is used loosely to add a degree of manic fuckary which you would only find on national mental health day
**** BASED ON DAYDREAM IN LIBRARY AND NOT BASED ON FACT IN ANY WAY
And so the beat goes on. Bumped into old friend who jumped of a bridge a couple of years ago and landed on a bus which in turn saved her life.

All about the girl that jumped!
Her name is Cheresa and I could tell she was in denial as soon as she said she was in recovery. She was clearly manic and made me feel quite uneasy as she ordered RED WINE from a local coffee shop whilst I sat quite innocently in front of her. I had an espresso which is rare for me so applaud if your hands are free. (Speaking of which: thanks for the fan mail U no WHO) She was also obsessive, if a little morbidly angry with the no-show manicurist and honestly, her nails looked fine. Apparently they taste good too, but I can only go by her smile.

In danger of damaging his manhood I bought (NAME DELETED) a 'respect' bracelet which although purple, went down well and was definitely colour coordinated

9.pm Once alone in flat awaiting the return of boyfriend I had sudden panic attack and felt urgent need to wash face. Will spare the details because I know vanity is a sin.

Sorry about all the bollocks of today's entry, you see.... is all about National Mental Health day (fuck the politically CORRECT, BURN THE TEXT BOOKS)

Frank Sinatra in the Morning

2007-10-09T12:03:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 9
Weight: 8stone 1 (damn)
Prescribed drugs administered: 60mg diazepam
Colour of the day: purple
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 2

Stayed at boyfriends last night and ate chocolate muffins, cooked (using a microwave) dumplings and Irish stew, (very difficult) (very not me) the results, believe it, were very surprising! So you don't actually need to be a goddess in the kitchen and testament to me you don't even need a cooker to keep his belly full. I have the benefit of not needing to eat so cooking or preparing food for him is cathartic at best, passes the time at the worst of times...

We talked of mostly insignificant nothingness and listened to Madonna’s Bedtime stories... Heaven knows I didn't get enough of them when I was young. Maybe he did. The mattress, downstairs in front of TV, I watched several hours of tripe before I eventually realised there was much better viewing right next to me :-) He had, to my surprise fallen asleep before me, which is rare. I would love to know what workings go on inside his sweet little head. He seems so troubled sometimes but says it is 'not me'.

'In stead of spring, it's always winter
And my heart has always been a lonely hunter'
Madonna - Bedtime Stories. Liked the sound of those words, inspired if a little contrived.

In the early hours we awoke sporadically and shared an uneasy sense of uncertainty as we, tossed and turned, hiding from the morning. But sure enough the morning came, shining through the huge curtain which eclipses the electric eyes of the outside world. We surrender our nonchalant romance finally at a cool 9am and realise that things aren't that bad.

Frank Sinatra's greatest hits filled up the house, traveling upstairs as I washed my face in beautiful lukewarm water... and the world didn't seem so daunting. It surprised me that those tracks could make a house seem so full and elevate the importance the greatest assets we both currently posses; each other. It's important to remember what you have, while you have it.

He loves 'The Lady Is a Tramp' and says it reminds him of me. Query: Complement??! I've heard the melodies before but sharing them with him on this gloriously average morning is LIFE at its mundanely AMAZING. IT IS the little things... 'We will always have each other' he says...

I wrapped up in my twiggy tights and long T-shirt and left house together... It wasn't the greatest day awaiting for us outside, he even noted most memorably that this could well be 'the last day of summer' but it did have a fantastic quality, a sort of promise/potential of what is to come. I love this man. We bounce of each other and it is so perfect when that can happen.

Frank Sinatra, my Boy-friend thinks Frank Fucking Sinatra is the man... That makes HIM the man... Surely?
'Swing all your wishes away', oh how a song can change your day.
That rhymes. Let’s talk another day

Locked Out My Flat, Michael Jackson in X Factor

2007-10-08T12:12:00.000Z

Cigarettes: so many I'm not going to embarass myself, this is so not even funny
Weight: 8stone (As if I even eat)
Prescribed drugs administered: 40 mg diazepam
Colour of the day: fuck fuck fuck
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 10

When you have just paid some god forsaken taxi driver like 20 quid to move a large amount of belongings into your new apartment of less than two months the last thing you need is a problem. The first thing you need is a key. They second last thing you want is the wrong key or a key that doesn't work and TRUST my luck I had THE WRONG KEY (And gorgeous sexy B.Friend tagging along just for good measure). I was dying to get into my flat more than usual due to the planned viewing (alongside boyfriend) of my favourite film Girl Interrupted so you can imagine the horror of having to pay the same taxi fair to the same f*cking taxi driver just to get back to square 1.

We did get round to watching the DVD eventually and it was brilliant even though I have seen it enough to recite the script word for word. Isn't it the best thing when your boyfriend actually likes the films you watch and doesn't immediately classify them as off limits, chick-flicky or psycho babble*
* = New word recently coined referring to anything that other people don't understand

So as I speak an incompetent locksmith is probably breaking my windows and knocking down doors, possibly drilling holes in walls, just to get the keys that are probably on the other side of the door. Fuck fuck fuckaty fuck!

IN THE NEWS TODAY.... was V. happy to see that the once adored KING OF POP Michael Jackson is getting back into what he does best. If anyone in the music industry has or ever did have the X factor (whatever that is) it's Michael. Michael Jackson, although I have only met/seen him 3 times is probably one of my best friends. I feel like I can relate to him on a deeply spiritual level.

He is a GOD and I wish ignorant pricks would leave him alone. I pray he has it in him to return to POP in a big way. Nobody does it like Michael. I also read recently he was supposed to have married his nanny. I wish I was his nanny, I bet he's got loads of locksmiths and stuff... but in terms of sex appeal Simon Cowell wins hands down (apart from gorgeous B.friend of course)

Wish me luck.. Bye bye xx

mental note : Buy loaded gun

mental note2: don't talk about guns

Abandon Deadlines

2007-10-07T15:23:00.000Z

Words By A. P. Jordan
(Taken from Uniformed gibberish 1814)

Stones and banners
Swastika sisters
Abandon our deadlines
Soil our dinners

We the pretenders
She never milked me
Abandon our deadlines
Shun our nieces

Angel angelic
Curve your distance
Abandon your deadlines
Snap into pieces

Darren is surplus
Surplus to requirement

Darren is anxious, turbulent and violent

Angel tried to syncopate
Get the boy and make him wait

Daren’s preaching the Koran
Daren doesn’t give a damn

Holy mother mercy me
Forgive the things he did to me
I’m taking responsibility
Daren’s got problems just like me.

Stones and banners
Strange diseases
Abandon our deadlines
Dinners of feceas

What have we done
What do we care
Spare me his wrath
Lay me down bare

Spaces Between Us

2007-09-26T13:06:00.000Z

Cigarettes:10+
Weight: 8 stone (but scales lie)
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam
Intimate encounters with significant other: 2
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 0 Bliss is bliss.

Love is usually bliss and bliss is always .. well BLISS. Me and (name deleted) are doing really well, see! am not hopeless Bridget Jones type . Sally singleton I am not... am attractive 'modern woman' drenched in copious amounts of that inner poise and all that stuff. No but seriously, no matter how swimmingly everything is going one is always going to have some disagreements and there has been loads of changes recently... new houses etc..ups and downs, doubts, mistakes. So the odd tiff is inevitable, it makes you realise what you've got, what I lost and what I could lose again.

But I cannot apologise for the rest of my life, only learn from mistakes ( the recent big one) and if no one wants to listen my Mum said you should always 'shut the fuck up' Speaking of which I really miss my Mum, she's been in Cyprus for two whole weeks. She hasn't been a constant force in my life at the best of times but she's usually been there when it counts and I have a great relationship with her.I will always love her, no matter what and I realise that esp. when she's away.

Scribbled this poem down in my head on the way home this morning. I think it is justified to get a bit loved up and use cliches when you are in love. Love is a licence to use cliche's...

SPACES BETWEEN US
Spaces between us,
my blood stained the bed.
The spaces now between us
regrets what it said.

Spaces between us,
don't doubt my heart
but question the people
who'd keep us apart.

Atoms between us
react when you leave.
Stay, learn 'the reason'
why Adam never left Eve

Rebecca

2007-09-21T14:13:00.000Z

Rebecca is lemon grass
Candy surprise
She’ll send you up to heaven
And be your own demise
She’ll smile and leave a sweet taste
She’ll leave you wanting more
One thing to remember with beccca is always shut the door

Rebecca is surplus, surplus to requirement
Rebecca is anxious, turbulent and violent
Rebecca is unjust
Lives on chocolate bars and lust
Rebecca is a must
And everyone who surrounds her feels the benefit of it
she makes you calm
and holds you captivated in her charm

But daddy don’t expect to much
Years ago you lost my trust
Today I’m taking twice as much
One more to blame that’s quite a touch

YOU

2007-09-21T13:41:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 7
Weight: 7 stone 4 ( scales must be lying definitely haven't lost that much weight.)
Prescribed drugs administered: 60mg diazepam

Dear, diary I’ts all about the truth
And I’m about truth, believe it or not

YOU
Here I am in your face
Telling truths and not your old lies
Seems to me that you care
And I know that you're running out of time

See you can't get away
I'll be there forever and again
Whisperin in your ear
Do believe cause you know you cannot win

Spent most your life pretending not to be,
The one you are but who you choose to see.
Learned to survive in this fictitious world
Does what they think of you determine your worth?
If special's what you feel when you're with them?
Taken away you’ll feel empty again

You have to mean what you say
You have to say what you mean
Trying to please everyone
Sacrifice your own needs
Check in the family mirror my friend
No lies will be told then
Pointing the finger again
YOU can't blame nobody but YOU

There's a feeling inside
No you cannot change it right away
Gotta make that try
And with time it'll start to go away

I'll be here when you need
That one to sit and cry to
Cause I'm the YOU you forgot
The only one you know you cannot lie to

Bitter you'll be if you
don't change your ways
When you hate you, you hate
everyone that day

Unleash this scared child
that you've grown into
You cannot run for you can't hide from you

CAN’T BLAME NOBODY BUT YOU
CAN’T BLAME NOBODY BUT YOU
CAN’T BLAME NOBODY BUT YOU

The snake in The grass, The monster in the pool

2007-09-20T14:41:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 5
Weight: 7st 12 (getting bony, can see more ribs than usual, this is a discipline you must applaud.
New desired weight: zero
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam
Colour of the day: black and blue and thinking of you
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: hurts actually 7

The snake in the Grass
12.00pm: Yesterday was not an average day I suppose, even by my less mundane standards. Met a really alluring broad shouldered cockney in the Library (i KNOW) HOW WEIRD. Felt compelled to walk wherever he might be going until I realised he was doing the same....So things were pretty cool and I swam through the next couple of hours like a snake in shallow waters... I took a walk in the park, running my fingers through the long grass, I felt rather primal and acted accordingly. Anyways, crypticism aside.; the days blue skies turned on me. Things got fucked up.

The monster in the pool
3.30pm: It was 3.30 (but you knew that) and school was out, kids everywhere, parents outside the gate, chavs aligned like lambs to the slaughter. Sunken faces projected towards the ground. Before I knew what was happening I was hit (punched, beaten, struck, slapped, whipped ) Lets go with 'punched', across the face with arresting force by a complete stranger who's fist which lept out of the corner of my eye like a Salvidor Dali creation. Acting contrary to my earlier primal instincts I simply stood there in complete and utter shock as 'mother and child' in all directions looked at me with eyes of disgust. Eyes which said 'well, she just got punched, she must have done something bad... maybe she slept with my husband.. maybe that was my husband punching her... maybe she left her child in the back of the car in stifling heat and her partner was giving it what for' I was mortified but suitably stunned to not react to this random violence and after touching my face tentatively, as if to make sure I still existed; I walked on (THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD).
Ps. and no I didn't turn the other cheek, that's my good side.

To say that wasn't my average experience after a walk in the park is true... But to say there aren't a number of strange sad idiots with shit for brains living alongside me in this great city of Carlisle is not. Small town small minds
I generally find the rare moments of human ecstasy, human intimacy and unvarnished truth which I occasionally experience, currently out-weigh the harsher side of life.

Immediately my reaction was to book a train ticket to London for this Friday ( tomorrow) but I'm not sure whether it would be the most clever thing in the world to do. Or though the great sinful city, the bastard of all cities is greatly appealing, especially when you are the illegitimate of all runaways. I would love to be on the train this time tomorrow, leaning over some dick-prick of a business man, spending his money on my coffees, making faces at who ever he is with and borrowing his lap top to tell my dearest diary how big his shoulders are and how the trip to London is panning out. Can you get broad band on a train??

ps. no offence to business men. lovely.. nice work

Oh well I guess I will have to make a decision (AHGGGH) and talk further tomorrow

'This morning' with Me, myself and Matt

2007-09-19T12:15:00.000Z

Me and gay mate matt... embi thismorning. he has a rare skin disorder.... (above)

The scars are only skin deep but the pain is eternally internal

Bye bye diary see you later......

Fucked up

2007-09-19T11:58:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 3
Weight: 7st 13
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam
Colour of the day: blue
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 2

Well... not much to say today... picture is self explanatory....

feeling very blue mind you..

and anyways... this is fucked up coz' I just had loads to say today and I just bumped (jumped?) in front of something (ONE) AND now don't have much to say but here is a pic of me this morning at 9 am... well maybe 1pm looking very sultry at my mates house...

Venus fly trap

2007-09-18T09:03:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 3 (stayed at friends house: no smoking aloud)

Weight: 7 stone 13

NEW desired weight: Have decided diets are for depressives and owing to recent run in with ***, confidence has increased and subsequently body must become fuller and less emaciated.

Prescribed drugs administered: I don't need drugs I've got (name deleted)

How bad it hurts on a scale of 1 to 10: 0

I love the Ibis and anyone I know, knows that. But the other night I had so sacrifice my love for the best continental interior design to return to my 'work in progress' of a flat due to the re-appearance of a man I have previously referred to as a virus, bastard, ex-boyfriend etc..

There are lots of things I would love to write at this moment in time, being a diary it is supposed to represent truthful events in the order that they happen. But technically leaving out certain bits for very good reasons is not lying or corrupting the truth and in fact of benefit to mankind ; in order to not jeopardize 'relationship' with (name deleted) and offending anyone else further, will not think about it and hence refrain from going into detail about recent developments with (words deleted).

By the way ***** ****** ****** ****** **** * * ************ * * * * * * * ******** * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *******, and that wasn't the first time that happened.

Repression hurts

My mum used to always say it's not what you say but what you don't say that represents you. So I will bite 'MY' tongue.

Sleep over at friends

Sleeping over at Matt's (embi) is 'dead cool'. He doesn't have sexual interests in me ( health advantage) , doesn't use drugs (health advantage) , doesn't let me smoke in his house (health advantage) and has a venus fly trap on his window sill. He also lives close and has loads a of DVDs and healthy past times which you might expect to share with a girl.

Matt or (embi) has war wounds, in short ; he slashes. He prefers the word 'cuts' but his arms, legs and chest make him look like a border reiver from the middle ages when men didn't use guns and rather measured their manhood by the size, depth and colour of their scars (war wounds) . And what was all that English vs Scottish about anyways. Like I said in my last post we should just all get along.
Matt makes for interesting viewing and makes an excellent coffee. All in all, a good sensible (query?) person to have a sleep over with if your hot water goes of and you need to borrow his shower and computer in the morning.

I haven't much time this morning ( if it is still this morning) I'm going to take that shower. Maybe think about a certain individual, focus on their best bits (best qualities) and the good times... coz its all about good times. And there were several good times, 3 infact all in the space of a minute, not that I even write about that....

Speaking of extremes, Britney Spears has got bi-polar (manic depression) according to some recent speculation from celebrity psychologists ( psychologists without proper jobs) . I have been saying that for months though... but if forgetting to wear underwear for one day (per fortnight, that's two per month) is a sign of serious mental illness

Going to buy long dress style jumper... good you see coz only need tights, no need for trousers....

The removals man; unvarnished sex with no questions

2007-09-15T13:34:00.000Z

Cigarettes: well over 20, seriously considering hypnosis
Weight: 8 stone (no change, owing to alcohol intake)
Prescribed drugs administered: diazepam 40mg
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 2

Well, when they say 'you will get over him' and 'he wasn't all that' I was sure it was a conspiracy but as it goes, things have worked out and the although not shining bright, the rainbow is on the horizon.

But have I gone about it in the wrong way.

Yesterday I began drinking vodka (mixed with a variety of soft drinks of course) from about 4pm. I didn't intentionally want to attract male attention. But seemed to.
They guy I originally had my oh so predatory eye on wasn't interested and lucked a little Jewish and strange to take a chance with. His name was Law anyways (intimidating or what). Owing to the increasing toxicity of my blood, I left The Board Room (local drinking place) to go else where and ran into...

The removal man... He was in Carlisle for the very first time and had only been there 45minutes when he bumped into me and possibly saved my life after grabbing my hips and pulling me away from moving traffic at a zebra crossing.
He was broad, huge shoulders.. chest hair and in his early thirties I guess... totally my sort of guy. He soon found solace licking my ears (??) and planting moist little kisses all over my neck. I knew straight away I was going for a home run on the rebound scale but what with the alcohol intake I didn't really care. I was wet-thighed with surrender.

I didn't think to much for his motivation, he was probably just trying to get some while he could. But he was definitely body perfect. Facial features are a bit of a blur but I remember him reminding me of some rugby player I used to know

It wasn't long before he had got me so intoxicated that I was relying on him for directions. We crawled between pubs and clubs and he was seemingly in awe of the attention I gathered. But being a stranger he knew nothing of me ( don't you just love anonymity)

And so it came time to either leave him and go home alone with self respect or leave with a removals man and get thrown round my bedroom like a toy. I went for the latter.

I was actually longing for simple human contact ; sleeping in the same bed without have to penetrate, suck or fuck any organ whatsoever. But that was, with hindsight naive at best.
Incidentally I had seen my 'recently departed ex' that night with my new man of the moment beside me. He works in a local takeaway (family business) in the town centre and I made a point of buying a chip butty from the shop, which I attempted to nibble in the taxi on the way home. I only caught his eye for a seconds glance and that was enough to confirm it , I don't think I love him anymore. In fact, I don't think I ever could have.

"He was now just another nameless, faceless stranger. His chapter in my book
is over."

The SEX
I feel dirty and 'bad' for saying this but once back in the flat, it was actually some of the best sex ( from what I can remember) that I have had in ages. It served it's purpose. It did the job. I was left exchausted, enammered, happy to have survived it and suitably satisfied.

I hope my noise pollution didn't intrude on the neighbours too much. The flat is still a tip by the way... just never get round to doing anything about it since the break up.

He left ( as most removal men do) at a ridiculous 5am, which I didn't mind because I would have felt even more currupt, used and abused whatching him zip his flie up indaylight... and saying 'thanks, let's do that again some time' I woke up at 10am and could still smell him in my bed, on my skin and inside me ; I had a bath.

Incidently he did scrawl a phone number down on the back of a dingy, scrawled up reciept (IRONY) and left it by my bed. Mind you, it could be the number for the foreign embassy for all I know...

once again (great sex)

anyways... just going to have a quite day today... get over this mini hangover I have ( my first ever)

Ps. Great sex....

Plenty of worthy distractions

2007-09-14T10:55:00.000Z

Cigarettes: sore throat lingers - too many again
Weight: 8 stone
NEW desired weight 7 stone 7
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam
Colour of the day: non inparticular
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 4

Very happy - new desired

You see, Diary I am still waiting for my rainbow, but the storm is defiantly over and some engaging distractions in the form of several white males (names withheld) have helped me through the last few days without needing to rely on chemicals too much. They have also helped me tone by body and probably helped me reach my desired weight! :-)

You see, everyone just needs to get along, that's what I'm coming to realise. I'm not worrying or - life-anxious, I'm simply ambivalent. Everything I have given, waisted and endured (in particular with my recently departed Mother F****ing junkie of an ex-boyfriend) is irrelevant because everything I give, all comes back to me. I'm not saying I believe in Karma, I'm not even contesting to know how to spell it (Karma that is is) but I have found inner poise and sanctuary once again in the notion that people who kick dirt in my eye usually end up in the dirt, getting hit by a bus or not realising what they've got til its....

GONE

Confessions: very sorry, had 2 lines of cocaine in pub toilet, totally regretted it, felt awful, but guy had real nice shoulders. (excuse?)
Had sex for pure self gratification. Felt bad ( not), but didn't feel too good either.

Ignored Jehovah's witnesses this morning , because I was busy straightening my hair

Message to mum in Cyprus: hope you are having a good time

Anyways, you can't really be in love with someone who would rather stick a needle in their arm than...

And, just sitting here in the library thought I'd share my new friend (Mat) with you
myboastfulmurmur.blogspot.com, definitely worth a visit

Bohemian Dream by default

2007-09-11T13:43:00.000Z

Cigarettes: Throat is killing me, too many
Weight: 8stone 2 (success, 2 pounds to go)
NEW desired weight: 8stone
Prescribed drugs administered: Back on the valium, doctors orders...
Colour of the day: black and sand-washed white - owing to new Bo'Ho (Bohemian) dress
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 7

Dear Diary,

Just sitting in Carlisle Library getting some much needed ego boosts from greg - the coolest thing since slice bread. Oh well, It is a Library, not a good place to be seen alone esp. when your dress looks like a belt. He's depressed because he's just quit college( after one day), I'm ecstatic I've just signed up...

Got my son in law (how many people have a son in law at 22, esp. one that is younger) staying with me at the moment. He smells a bit, but the company on a night is good, there is the old toilet seat issue which I don't think he will ever grasp but apart from that it's cool to have people who treat you with respect in close quarters

Anyways... Thanking you considerably for the overwhelming response to Sunday nights entry (How to survive a potential break up). Everyone who found my idiosyncratic overtones helpful in getting over harmful relationships with dicks, drug addicts and nymphos - your comments are most welcome.

Also, have come to the conclusion that as my ex- boyfriend never had the decency or manliness in him to actually verbally 'dump' me (apart from some nonsense via his MOTHER), then I could not technically have been dumped and as I am still single, one could argue that the relationship never in fact took place. So in fact, is not terrible depressive situation atall and infact just a dream which I have now awoke from.

Just been shopping and purchased lovely bo'ho dress ( you know I coined that phrase myself I think) , getting the usual stares.. could be my new diet though. Only 2 pounds to go til' I reach my new desired weight

Big shout out to jesse asamoah, my thoughts are with you and Melanié, don't be jealous, there ain't nothing to be jealous of.

How to survive a potential break up...

2007-09-09T12:17:00.000Z

Cigarettes: Too many owing to sore throat ( can't speak)
Weight: 8 stone 5
New Desired weight: 8 stone
Prescribed drugs administered:
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 10

Dear Diary, after a storm comes cleansing rain (apparently) ... and usually a rainbow but as you've guessed I'm still waiting.
As of late a domino effect of shitty events has left me feeling a little bruised, hard done by, light headed, nauseated, sickened, saddened, shocked, paralytic, and generally a little under the weather. Basically, I'm on the wrong side of the road, have missed the bus and don't remember seeing one. But being the modern women with copious amounts of inner poise etc. , one can't be seen to be left behind.

So I'm keeping fit, doing hours of yoga, drinking loads of water (to make up for tears cried) and running a mile a day ( sort of) and trying not to feel sorry for myself...

And so with the risk of impending doom so immanent, I have decided to incorporate all my mis-educations into...

How to survive a potential break-up
In 12 easy steps

Friends and Family. In most cases talking to your nearest and dearest is a great idea - but If your family are about as functional as a pound-stretcher tin opener you might also consider admitting to a murder you didn't commit - because that would be about as useful. The fact my family have decided to skip off to Cyprus also doesn't help.

Resist the urge to beg. This doesn’t mean don’t try to work things out. If there is a chance you can work things out, go for it. But don't clutch at straws, if your partner has made it clear that in their eyes, the relationship is over, it is.

Make a change in your life. Find a new way to spend your time. Join a gym, quit a gym, set fire to a gym, just get some fucking exercise.

Understand your mistakes but also realize that you are not a failure and are in fact generally better (more superior) than most. If you truly are without fault, try...

Starting your own religion, cult or secret organisation. Check your local law making authority if you are thinking about siging others up

Don’t beat yourself up. Beat up someone else instead. If you made mistakes, then yes, learn from them but dwelling on what might have been won’t help. I'm not condoning violence but If your going to beat someone up try a paedophile, gang leader or beggar.

Start Dating. Always wait til you are actually single. Although going on a break usually does mean the end, you may be surprised. You may also be lonely for the rest of your life so prepare to brush yourself of and try again. You won’t feel like it at first, but don’t stay away from other people purely because you don't want to be seen to be seen. Going out with other people can help the healing process...

Don’t fall prey to others. Don’t let people take advantage of you while you are vulnerable. If you do spend money, spend it on your self.

Take up a hobby. If you think a hobby will help you might also...

Let Jesus into your life (!!) (and the guy from across the street, the one who works in phones4u and any other religious nut who can promise you a brighter tomorrow)

Don’t rush into another relationship. While starting to date can help you feel better, it’s not a good idea to rush right into another relationship. Like me if you really think you just lost 'the one' take time to heal before accepting any dodgy invitations.

Avoid dwelling on it. I know it’s impossible not to think about it, but, if you find yourself doing so for an extended period of time, find a way to take your mind off of it. Like...

Self help books, they make for excellent reading and even better toilet paper, burn them all.

Or best of all...
Don't split up at all! , mutually attract one final time, elope and live happily ever after. Only this time don't be so god damn useless.

Phone a friend; If you don't have any, make one, or get out the phone book and get to work...

Realise it's their loss - BUT if they are unquestionably the only one for you, shoot yourself in the foot for letting them go you complete loser! They were probably the best thing to ever happen to you and you screwed up proper. pat yourself on the back you prat.

Finally if you are as confused as me ( see above) about the significance of this particular relationship, start a bloody diary, better still publish it on the web. Then everyone will know what complete idiot you are.

For now I think I will stick to my new diet and exercise routine, early mornings and late nights, red wine and Bridget Jones movies.
Who knows what the future may bring... maybe things aren't so bad. Completely unbearable but, not so bad atall.
Til next time...

Theatened

2007-09-01T12:41:00.000Z

Dear diary, had a mentally exhausting, punishing night out last night and learnt people aren't always what they seem. It's a lesson I continuously am reminded of (small town; small minds)

(Due to my strong personal convictions and for deeply personal reasons, this poem is no longer here. )

Dear diary, re: new boyfriend person

2007-08-25T19:28:00.000Z

Cigarettes: too many owing to over exertions
Weight: 8st 8 So healthy
Prescribed drugs administered: sunlight and chocolate bars (and complements and herbal tea)
Colour of the day: GOLD
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 0

Just a quick little note diary...

You see have been devoting copious amounts of attention to a certain individual and in tern a certain individuals needs/desires in order to become acquainted (better) . Moreover, have concluded that owing to severe chemical imbalance in brain that I must be suffering from hysterical condition known as 'infatuation of the obtainable' ; I'm in love. (With a person, not a hotel - rf. last posts)

And as a result will be devoting more time to {name deleted} and less to my thesaurus whilst still writing to my diary and its small but loyal 1000 or so readers...
But must not forget artistic destiny... because these are the days of juice. I have found the lost of the lost, the found of the found, the sky of the sky; the secret lube that holds everything together. This is the business, this what we're after.

I'm in f***ng love and its f**king intense

and he is the DOGS bollocks.

Depressed and empty and on the brink of homelessness

2007-08-01T00:02:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 2
Weight: 7st 9
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam, 65mg physeptone, 20mg seroxat, 2mg lorazepam, 5mg olanzapine
Colour of the day: does it really matter

Things getting worse, do I bring this on myself. People can be so cruel. Circumstances seem to rape my everyday life til' I despair of human nature.... But of course I must be the problem, the source of the blossom is ugly they say.. It must be me indirectly or otherwise MY actions which bring such desperation into my life.

I'm a sinking ship, a drowning rat... interesting to watch but who cares? who cares a dime? Someone put there hand out (a song I have been listening to recently) I thought about suicide when in the shower for the first time in years, each drop of water was like electric bolts of punishment. Standing in the rain, in my parents shower I couldn't think of anything but drowning. Dreams where I die. Dreams where I am dead. The last days have been pitiful, I try to sleep because when I sleep I am dead or at least in another state where nothing matters. Being awake means pills, medication and temptation to reach for the phone and acquire some real medication. Pray that always be not always

Poetry can't help me when I'm like this, neither can art nor sound. Music is void of redemption
Surviving is cruel. I beg for that accident that takes it out my hands.

angelxx7

Exam results arrive (Distinction), Family; problems in paradise

2007-07-25T14:28:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 6
Weight: 7 st 6 (much better)
Prescribed drugs administered: 60mg diazepam, 2mg lorazepam and lovely small glass of red wine
Colour of the day: Red
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: Problems... 4

Dear Diary, I know what 'they' mean know when they say each reward or positive occasion is followed by... a terrorist attack... well, something bad anyways. Amongst the mail this morning two Distinction certificates for English Lit .and Psychology and double love (don't I know it) but another 'last minute Uni offer!' at an OK/goodish Uni in East London had also arrived. Very positive.. student loans however, they sound complicated surely I couldn't sort all that out in time for September, I thought, swinging on my dads office chair.

Three coffees later and I began to wonder why no one else in the house looked remotely affected by what I was saying. As a final household environmental test I made a personal phone call with the office door open. Still no-one even attempted to eaves-drop. Trouble in paradise... you bet. Family trouble; Like you wouldn't believe.

40mg of valium later and I'm just doodling (above) and scrawling this down now on the laptop while I wait for 'the dust to settle'... it will settle.. it will. The powers of denial... Maybe this is just the lull before the storm, Jesus how many cleches [sp] can I cram into this paragraph.

Besides, better stop doodling and rather make arrangements for a night in the Ibis. You see I love, 'am in love' with the concept of living in a hotel so at any given opportunity I just love staying in the ibis. It's so perfect, spacious (fairly), comfortable, modern and almost minimalistic in its design. I-love-the-Ibis; not to mention all the mod coms and stylish utilities available in the better rooms. I might say, given the chance were there I would live in the Ibis, obviously I would have to select the most appropriately located one, Euston would be great, Carlisle definitely not. OK. I LOVE THE IBIS. END OF

Better go, will update later, possible form.

Inspired to write poetry all over naked body with black ink in hot sun

2007-07-22T15:35:00.001Z

Cigarettes: 11
Weight: 7 stone 4
Prescribed drugs administered: 45mg Diazepam 120mgDFC118
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 0, oweing to cathartic poetry

Sense of inner peace yesterday, not merely from prescription drugs, they can't create 'inner' peace; so sat in pounding sun rays before being inspired to scrawl poetry on arms and legs in black marker until ran out of space and reached for diary. Because they will hopefully be polished and published, will obviously not print them here... must be professional or something.

Focused on 'first times' as a theme and as usual my poetry, being so imagery based led me into graphic, gritty drug iconography. After a few initial ideas, a literary responses to the first time I was injected with cocaine led to the creation of 'The Tunnel' ; the only poem from yesterdays rant which has some real 'substance' to it.

I had no pen lying by the pond in the garden and Writing on my body (with black cartridge ink) isn't a new thing and I'm probably not the first poet or song writer to do so but the link between injecting a substance into your skin with a needle and now despite escaping the needle, still recreating that idealisation with black ink .... I found to be quite engaging, exciting as an artist.

Was a shame to have a shower... but that was also quite inspiring watching all that ink whirl down the plug as if washing away the addiction I once had. Obviously there are quite broad options for art work to accompany the poem or maybe it should merely be a photo, would have to cut several verses but would make strong visual impact, naked skin, black ink etc. Need longer legs, am 5'10 you'd think Id get a whole poem in one shot wouldn't you.

Feels good to be getting back into my art since being clean from that bad ones for a good while. The valium although numbing to my emotions actually improves my ability to write what I actually feel in my poetry as it frees inhibitions.

Not The Doctor! Shrink at 10.30AM

2007-07-20T11:44:00.000Z

'shrink' to any UK people means HEADCASE assistant. Relief for mind and body
V. clever people but can be difficult. Difficult to annoy that is, or run away from, or lie to. But I'm not bad

Tell you later

Won't bother with the mascara, such a waist and what with green policy on selfish waisting increasing carbon emissions. Plus looks bad when tears get smudged on shrinks Kleenex's as if from dirty home or strange eye infection...

But might look disrespectful if under dressed and pale
Wonder if will be UN dressed for examination???
underwear? *thinks* type obviously..... Functionally Bridget Jones look.
Hange on, shrinks never undress clients that would be in style of horrid channel 5 / skyone film

MENTAL NOTE: Must stop using silly humour to diguise geniuine panick and despair.

Car is here. bye
x

Prince and Michael Jackson

2007-07-18T12:03:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 9
Weight: 7st 3 (moving on up)
Prescribed drugs administered: usual
Colour of the day: Not purple, probably 'Black Or White'

Prince vs The King Of Pop, how resolved does that sound to you, it's open and closed to me. Ever since Prince gave his latest effort, Planet Earth to a national newspaper, even NME think he is 'cool'. He probably had a payment on a new guitar to make and thought why Wait for royalties when you can just snatch half a million.

Meanwhile, reports circulate that Prince turned down a recent offer to open for a Jackson comeback show. The Sun (UK) go on to guess that “Michael seemed pretty gutted about it. He said he’d approached Prince to see if he would like to work together. But Prince wasn’t interested in gigging with him,” (A source added, lol)

More likely and more to the point, 'opening' for the biggest comeback since Elvis would not have done Prince any good. Moreover, there would be so much hype surrounding Michael Jackson's first gig it would end up turning into The Michael Jackson Show. Suddenly even blind people would see how small prince is without being reminded of physical stature.

Planet Earth is an OK album and it was free but honestly when the picture CD looks better in your hand you know it's gotta be a freebie!

(mental note: Angel, The Planet Earth album is NOT original in that it is shaped and printed as a globe, OK, the globe is round as are compact discs, this is not marketting match made in heaven er. infact tacky)

(Subconcious thought: Cassette version, perfect analogy for world state of catastrophy!)

Besides, today is a day for shopping, hence my longing for one of Michael's credit cards, interesting thought though. Who would you rather walk round Carlisle with Michael Jackson Or Prince. Moreover; who would get f**** first. (Those who know how deprived Carlisle's inhabitants generally are will know the short guy gets it) Those who have never visited, don't bother we're closing for annual floods soon.

Tuesday... Inspiring thought of the day

2007-07-17T18:40:00.000Z

" Why walk out on the world when the world is not ready to walk out on
you?" Written in 2007 by David St-Amour - A friend of David was
going to take her life, like me and I'm sure many others. But little motivational anecdotes or inspiring quotations are the reason many are reminded to keep going and are still alive.
If anyone knows of any others do e-mail them and I'll post them I think they do help when you feel like curling up in a ball

Hope this quote made someone else feel better, I'm in a mini blip at the moment and it made me feel a little more like fighting. xxAngel

Looking back..

2007-07-15T18:44:00.001Z

Just looking back at some of the stories written about me 'sex op turned me into girl at 17', although a bit unique, I would just like to say to anyone thinking of selling any sort of story don't do it, it may pay well but I have realised, esp. whilst in hospital recently that it doesn't bring much good. I know plenty of examples of people who the press destroy and you don't have to be a celebrity.

'prejudice is ignorance' - Michael Jackson 1993

Hospital drama over

2007-07-15T18:04:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 5
Weight: Just under 7 stone ( hence hospital stay)
Prescribed drugs administered: Valium 60mg, morphine sulphate 2.5mg, large amounts of long names (subsequently, after hospital stay)
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: 10

But very glad to be out of hospital and home with my mum

Well, I haven't posted since Christmas and I recently spent 3 weeks in King Georges Hospital in East London (thanx to all the nurses, apart from *you know who you are*) I was first taken in because I collapsed and one day turned into 2 and before you know it you've got a camera taking photos of you on the inside, and I don't mean journalists. That camera thing is so not the way to treat someone.

But anyways, my blood count had dropped to 5.5 and they were looking for internal bleeding to no avail. I had dropped down to a painful 7 stone and in the end spent 1 week unable to move so joking aside this 'sickle cell' anemia is no joke, in fact I love hospitals, but this time was awful and being Ex Jehovah's Witness - turning down blood made my stay even more painful. The nurses were pretty cool and I was privileged enough to get my own room (on a ward full of old ladies - who the nurses didn't seem to ever feed).

Unlike on previous occasions this collapse wasn't brought on by my diet (for the main) or by lifestyle choices. (sniff), they actually found out a reason why I'm so thin and why I was looking whiter than Michael Jackson. I was looking so bad the picture up there is me not wanting to show my face while mobile phone pic was taken, I was starting to get real sick at that point and looked awful. (no change there)

Thanx for the e-mails once again and when I'm feeling much better I will make sure I have replied to you all if requested. It was good to get out of there, make the 300mile trip home and find out I'm still indirectly helping people, although I'm not really doing anything web-wise anymore, I'm just focusing on recovering.

angelxx

Merry Xmas

2006-12-25T13:28:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 0 Given up
Weight: 7.5 stone
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam
Colour of the day: anything that glitters

Merry Christmas everyone, sorry for not posting in such a long time. Been
studying so hard and everything and I'm so sorry for each and every e-mail that
I didn't personally reply to. I promise I will. Things haven't been great and things of that nature seem to multiply at this time of year, I was down in LOndon in Novemeber to see Michael Jackson at the World Music Awards. I love you Michael.
Wishing everyone else esp. my Mum a very happy Christmas, Love Angel

Bored, Lonely, DISCONNECTED

2006-08-12T14:16:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 7 (significant in that have just recently produced a song called Seven)
Weight: 9 stone (honest)
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg valium, Morphine sulphate 2.5mg, had panic-attack; not good, not good atall.
Colour of the day: Probably Black but as 'chesnut' is 'the new black' one feels feel confused.
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: Haven't been doing any yoga so body is less bruised than usual.
(More important than usual) Mental note: Appearing on interview show on ITV with Vanessa Feltz on Sept 1st- Must plan extensively for all possible outcomes and wardrobe miscalculations (owing to female condition). Also research spelling of her surname...So as not to offend in sort of 'Prince-Charles-to-a Gypsy' manner. Is live TV you see...

So hello, Hi, and goodafternoon Diary, things aren't great. Feel an over-riding sense of... Well, emptiness. I do hate it when I get like this ; as is very selfish considering Wars and terror alerts. Apparently you are only permitted essentials such as medication when traveling. I won't be the only one feeling disconnected then as millions of women try to use plane's windows as mirrors and biros to touch up eyeliner. Given that the only thing in my hand bag apart from receipts is a bottle of valium I think I would be OK on a plane. *wish I was in the sun* AS to the holiday, this year I think there's more chance of me marrying Michael Jackson. By the way, Michael Jackson apparently is moving to Scotland (very near me). I am a huge fan, seriously: I say that because people often think I am trying to be ironic or 'funny' when I proclaim my undying love for the golved one. I think the man's an inspiration. A god. (religious groups f*** off - it's a figure of speach)

Given the way I have been feeling , Friday night was p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c, demeaning and utterly shameful. Me and Rosie (best friend in the whole wide worldy:-) geared up for the 'mother' of all weekend 'walk-abouts' , hence we went to 'walkabout' in Carlisle City centre; perhaps the biggest mistake we made this week We were the only people there ( is often an advantage in Carlisle) But not this time

Things got so bad I went home but was awoken (artistically that is- I actually had my eyes closed when it happened)! I blinked and in a second, had an Idea for a song. (Have been writing and recording album in studio alot lately). I wrote the lyrics, puts some chords down and had a 10track demo complete with sound effect of TV being smashed as an intro; in only 1 hour! Thought best not to use own TV owing to Parent person and alleged father type figure. Hope they don't read this. I was up til 4am in the studio and the track, DISCONNECTED was finito! Well, the demo version was. I still felt crap, but now not only was I depressed but I had transferred by regressed, repressed, oppressed and stabbing sense of indecision (about life in general) into a Hard edged piece of pop glory. "destroy your mind and body and soul for seven seconds of pleasure, but the damage you've done is gonna last forever" See - even a drug reference. I have decided that my album needs to address certain world issues aswell as my own frustrations surrounding them and other individuals (names deleated)

Well enough about me...

Wanted to say thanks, to the people who have sent me such positive words, the difference it makes is impossible to word; I LOVE YOU ALL. (well not impossible then)
Some of the e-mails make/made me cry, I am so sensitive to approval and other people going through things I have been through; situations I survived.
Paul Russell, your e-mail inspired me, I'm so happy I have helped you get help from the doctor. I am always here for you; everyone who is in need or alone. Just write to me. I love you

Also received this, only one I had a chance to read

From (NAME REMOVED)

Just wanted you to know that people are behind you and wishing you well. Your site has changed so much and is amazing, VERY ARTY, looking forward to any updates you must have good people behind you but make sure you are safe. It's Simply because I hate seeing scum exploit people. Let me know and if not, best of luck. I'm thinking of you
I love you all, Angel
http://www.angelparisjordan.cabanova.com http://www.angelparisjordan.cjb.net

New Official FLASH site (Present from ex-agent to get me into)

2006-08-07T23:38:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 4
Weight: 4stone (I wish)
Prescribed drugs administered: valium... usual amount
Colour of the day: all those of the rainbow x

Just a quick note with little if any consideration for grammar or spelling, my ex-agent has made me a new website as sort of a I-would-like to-jump-into-bed-with-you-present, same ad, angelparisjordan.cjb.net but very very flash :-) IT IS AMAZING (but it ain't happening if you get me)***Draws little happy people all over page with happy thoughts of the day reaching double figures. God have I been busy, and god I'm goin to take it out on you diary, after some sleep :-)
Was sitting on bed thinking... Love Rosie(V best friend) + Mum so much. Things are shit but they will get better, or it won't be SNEAK! getting sued.

You Would Sue Too If It Happened To You

2006-08-05T18:53:00.000Z

(And had remembered your dictaphone :-)
I tape recorded all my interview sessions with SNEAK! magazine 'Junior' writer Issy Sampson and practically none of what was published appears to be even based on our interviews. Until I can seek ALL the appropriate legal advice I can't say anything else other than They will not get away with this. And what I already have..... hmmmm... lets leave it there.
Really! Making people look like freaks... it's just too much. I'm sorry. This is supposed to be a diary but I'm upset. Can I do that...

Its My Diary And I'll Cry If I Want To

2006-08-03T10:39:00.000Z

Sneak! SNEAK! Boycott the real Freaks!
Before I react personally to the 3-pages of vulgarity, published in SNEAK! magazine on Tuesday: may I suggest anyone who has not already had the unpleasantly of reading the article refrains at all costs from reading it.To anyone who enjoys laughing at people suffering and anyone suffering themselves, from any sort of 'morbid-fascination' illness; SNEAK! magazine is for you! Buy it!

Partially amusing 'Little Britain' Vs 'SNEAK!' DISCLAIMER: (Sneak! Magazine is actually 'really fun, like' and aimed at teenage girls, with an average reading age of 6, even fellow socialite Vicky Pollard has been known to indulge, commenting "C' horse I like Streak! magazine loads but... yeah... but... yeah.... but NO -BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE YOU MONEY OR ANY-FIN" (She said)
They do give you money Vicky, just not enough and they want to to crucify you in return. Begging the question, why don't they rename the magazine FREAK! Screw the Big Brother coverage, just fill the magazine with '100% NOT true life stories' about trannies and murderers making sure we use the phrase "My vagina looked like chopped liver" in all of them.
Yes, this was one of the most vulgar journalistic sins the article was victim to.

Just picture it: Me and my V.best mate Rosie prepare to enter Tesco (emergency cigarette time), bracing ourselves for a few misquotations, maybe a not so great photo. We stood. We waited. Time to move I thought. "Rosie?" I said, attempting to rouse some action. She woke up from her daze and looked at me with the sort of expression you might expect before you throw the first soil in over the coffin.

Rosie left me outside, where we had a final friendship-type-embrace before she entered the shop, her comforting grasp leaving my hand to be nibbled, gnawed and finally bitten in what became 'the mother of all nail bighting situations'. She skipped (as only Rosie could in such a situation!) over to the magazine stand and began to smile. Why is she smiling, I thought, maybe it's good, maybe I'm 'SNEAK! OF THE WEEK'... what a triumph over prejudice and public relations extravaganza that would be! Inner poise - I told you, it's the key to all problems in life! SHIT!, That's not even Rosie! that's not even a woman....

Things looked busy in there; maybe there would be a pseudo-Nazi type riot, war would break out and no one would ever find out what was in the article!! Mind you, WAR would reduce moral and there would probably be an influx of depressed teens eager for a the flesh of a freakish role model to laugh at.

"It's you!!!" a voice proclaimed, from behind. "What's me?" I thought (surely not the freakish role model from my irrational delusion) . It was Rosie, waving the front cover about as fast as you would a cheap wedding ring you wanted people to see but not actually evaluate the value of. Rosie explained, to my horror, and still waving the magazine around so that I could not read it that She didn't need to go to the magazine section as they had promoted Sneak! to the counter area due to what a 'small hand written sign' had called
'Local interest*Carlisle girl featured on cover'

Before we even looked at the cover together, Rosie playfully rolled up and disguised the magazine as a police baton in origami-style-fashion and playfully slapped my bum before suggesting a glass of STRONG Red wine and atleast 30mg of valium. I knew it was going to be B A D, as in Michael Jackson 'BAD'
We walked to Le Gal (our favourite socialite-but-very-french-and-friendly coffee place) But this was no time for coffee. There was tears, then anger, then anger, then valium and wine, and grr! - more tears and wine followed by a big fat BILL, brought to us by illegally skinny girl. Spot the oxymoron there!

We were in the same establishment just one day before after the EFNM (Emergency Friend in Need Meeting) was called. "I CHOPPED OF MY PENIS TO BE A GIRL" reads the title of the 3 page article.This is not my deflated ego taking over believe me; I have been slagged off since birth but this affected me so deeply. What I saw, what I read: could it be that the same tape recorded interview with 'that lovely girl Issy' had resulted in this. I feel as though I can't even emotionally respond at this time; I..... This is such a bad time, things were going so well.

It was hard, but the fact me and Rosie left Le Gal with our heads high and positive thoughts in our mind is a mini-triumph**.
**Mental note: write letter of thanks to inventor/inventories? of valium - I bet it was a woman or group effort. BTW, excellent offer on bottles of Red Wine in Le Gal at the mo...
*sniff*

Emergency 'SNEAK!' meeting with Rosie

2006-07-31T23:00:00.000Z

Fuck, Fuck Fuckaty Fuck,
Had to text V best friend and soul mate Rosie re:
SNEAK! Magazine (will hit shelves tomorrow)
Cigarettes: Irrelevant given emergency meeting with Rosie (V.best friend)
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg valium (emergency and all!)
Also administered:
Rosie bought me a glass or 3 of expensive red wine as we prepared to prepare for emergency meeting due to 'imminent publication regarding myself in major magazine aimed at teens (I of all people know how cruel teens can be be and how stories can be distorted)

We met in Le Gal, Carlisle to discuss the following disturbing uninvited and unexpected e-mail

Sender: Issy Sampson, Junior features editor: SNEAK! Magazine
The article will hit the shelves tomorrow (there's one in the post to you now) and the cheque to the amount of ****** will take 28 days to come through.
I'll speak to you soon
Issy x

Lovely girl, but what a shock, definitely a good excuse for emergency meeting with best friend Rosie. Topics discussed varied as I eventually calmed down in a sort of been-here-before-and-it-didn't-kill-me style. Rosie feels undervalued by boyfriend LEE. My opinion of Lee fluctuates like Cumbria's weather forecast.

As for my own forecast (owing to excellent friendship-style advice from Rosie - she is fantastic) we both decided It was best to Waite until we see the article before we react or publish minutes of secret meeting on the web. (actually my dictaphone was in a bad mood and I'm tired (It's now midnight, atleast) and will speak to you, my faithfully true online diary tomorrow. I hope SNEAK! Get it write, I hope Rosie got back OK.... She usually would send a text after emergency friendship meeting

Diary launch - Phone call from SNEAK!

2006-07-26T18:39:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 6 (V. Good)
Prescription drugs consumed: 10mg valium
No. Of Online diaries launched: 1!
Positive thoughts: 20 (owing to great weather)
Unexpected phonecalls: 1, from (Sneak! Magazine)
Negative energy/apprehension owing to magazine article soon to be published : BIG

My Online Diary has been launched at last, owing to much persuasion on my part to get rid of that ghastly site which my journals aim to replace (or accompany)

Really, there should be government warnings, stipulating us girls should never get carried away with these sensationalised hysteria-driven media-type-people. I really do cringe in manner of Michael-Jackson's-mother-looking-through-Nation-Enquirer whenever that "topless" Sunday Sport picture accosts me. Infact I cringe so often whenever I look at that biography that I do believe repetitive strain injury may have set in. (mental note: research liability of trashy tabloid into compensation claim)

Be warned: no matter how much they pay you, it always ends in tears and to many people's surprise they don't always use your breasts which although is bonus if shy and not-too-keen-to-start-with (ME) ; It does also beg the question, what are wrong with mine? When I found out they had used a post-operative picture of a certain glamour model with the same surname as me (yeh - exactly) I was even more offended.

So to put that horrid debacle to bed "on the record", think I will say bye to diary and get back to my pseudo-yoga. You see, is new exercise based concept (designed by moi) similar to the much popularized past time whereby exercise need not be actually undertaken, merely thought about in a positive way. Well call me lazy but know one's perfect...

Phonecall... Hurrah! You see - withheld number! Could be new romantic-missing-link-to-life type figure... Or Carlisle Police. (If you read my Diary a lot you will know...) OK - phone no longer ringing. Anyways not looking for man, what with new found inner-poise and new found sense of self.

Another phone call! Hurrah! You see people do care..... Ah, was Issy Sampson From SNEAK! Magazine, lovely girl; journalist though but is only Junior writer so probably not as corrupt. "Contract, I didn't sign a contract!" I beamed, "ONLY JOKING issy" I continued adopting my studious media-type-person tone. It is moments not too dissimilar to this that make me question the appreciation of my sense of humour from others. Anyways, found out in a sort of genuine-surprise-you-don't want to hear that my article or "spread" as they call it which I was interviewed some months ago for, will be published in like 4 days.

In manner of shell-shock-victim, I quivered, bones rattled and replaced receiver; before dialing 141 and calling her straight back just to check she wasn't winding me up, or was infact Issy and not as thought possible, best friend Rosie playing nasty your-going-to-be-in-the-papers-again-and-everyone-will-hate-you OTT dramatic practical joke.

Turns out I will be in SNEAK! Magazine. I understand this goes against new-found-inner-poise and cestation from media activities moto. But I did sign a contract apparently and they are paying which will help me and V.best friend Rosie with new Skipton Musical Festival project.

Accidental shoplifting debacle

2006-07-24T16:08:00.000Z

"It was Sunday - What a Black day"

Cigarettes: 12 (V.g considering shopping excursion-gone-wrong)
Weight: 9stone! So why do I look like extra from Schindlers List... Must query scales
Prescribed drugs administered: 50mg diazepam (valium) due to shoplifting accident(how wrong does that sound) 10mg DHC (kind of like asprin for elephants, kills a migraine)
Accidentally acquired goods from reputable shop: 1 item to the amount of 99p your honor.

"Addict" they cried yesterday ; "shoplifter" they cry today - am beginning to have serious doubts myself after shopping excursion in City Of Carlisle, centre of culture and commerce went very wrong in style of "wyonda-rider-with-credit-but-no-card"
Mental note: research spelling of wyonda Rider... Or Vwionda.

Will write up this most exciting of entries as soon as I can find my 'special-outdoor-use-only-diary'* and put whole situation into perspective.

Mental note: must write up diary entry as soon as, in case was on camera, or was followed, or both! ...
COMPOSURE, DEEP BREATHES, inner-poise, that's better.

*Is beautiful gift from mother, leather bound with captivating Angel-crossed-with-mermaid type painting on cover.

Same Angel - Brand new diary (My promise to help others in need)

2006-07-21T23:10:00.000Z

Cigarettes: 7 (quite good)
Weight: approaching 7 stone rapidly (poor, owing to recovering mental state)
Prescription drugs taken in last 24 hours: 40mg diazepam (valium) I am a writer for christ's sake. Well - at least am not taking illegal substances
Hours devoted to Bridget Jones Diary: 7 research essential
Physical attacks from the good citizens of Carlisle: 1
Displaced bulbs from city flower bed as a result: several

Have recently been horrified at some of the I-am-superior-to-you-because-I-was-born-free-from-genetic-disorder attitudes I have been subjected to via vile obscene usually badly composed e-mails and comments on various web-site.

The truth is, I haven't been well, and made the mistake of voicing my feelings to one of those "If-I-see-you-again-WILL-shoot" so called friends. "COCAINE!" I heard her cry, "NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!" she yelled almost euphorically. Anyways, one thing led to another and before I knew it I had a torrent of concerned friends, ex-friends, so-called-friends and even a documentary maker all trying to get in contact, the majority (no doubt) with a pre-concealed camera ready to catch me injecting class A drugs or being incarcerated in the nearest secure mental hospital.

I am as it happens recovering from a small (by previous standards) but equally unpleasant mental breakdown. Nothing a few valium won't sort out surely.... kitty said. Anyone who's a fan of Little Britain may find that last "target reference" just a tad amusing. I obviously use the word "amusing" loosely....

Mental note: purchase fire arm that would fit into handbag, glove pocket and ex-friend/agent's arce.

"MY PROMISE TO RAISE AWARENESS" - Angel

'Each year at least 500 children and teenagers in the UK take their own lives because they are unhappy with their own body; many have Gender Identity Disorder and/or an Eating Disorder'

"It has come to my attention that almost all my supportive fan-mail around the time of my NEWS OF THE WORLD debacle and even now, were from people who have been affected by similar issues. These issues are not limited to intersexed genetic disorders but moreover: depression.

Therefore, this site WILL aim to provide comfort, inspiration and hope to other children, teens and adults who are in need, suffering or alone. I will try to provide as much help and inspiration to those affected by depression, THE BIGGEST KILLER IN BRITAIN.

I feel the best way to do this is offer my story in as honest and inspiring way as positive way as possible and to forge a comprehensive links page to self help web-sites dealing with a wide range of issues. Everyone deserves to be happy.

In the field of intersex and transsexual children, I am so sensitive to your pain; please seek treatment before you reach your teens. Ask for help. If you don't have friends (I didn't) or family, please contact me. You can forge a life for yourself however bad things may seem. I was seconds from death at 15 after attempting suicide. I thought there was no hope. If you read my online diary you will know that I have good days and bad days and life continues to throw unpleasant things at me ; but I am happy and am so glad I was saved and eventually released from my unbearable wish to end my life.

If I could save one life through helping or inspiring someone to seek help it would make my whole life worth living"
Angel